Leonard,

Kudos to you for knowing what you wanted. And you sure went for it, balls to the wall. Unfortunately, that enthusiasm of yours has landed us in a situation about as comfortable as a gunnysack filled with angry ferrets. So, to manage your expectations here… your next few months aren’t gonna be pretty.

Why? Let’s voyage! Sail with me on a hypothetical adventure to a far-off land where there’s someone as careless as you -- let’s call him Felix. Felix is so gung-ho about his accountant girlfriend Freda that he decides to throw caution to the wind and start a dot-com with her. The killer combo of her brains and his muscle is sure to land their mugs on the next cover of Fortune Magazine!

However, Felix’s dreams fold faster than a shitty poker hand when Freda gets a job offer from a fancy firm in Rio Rancho. Unbeknownst to her sweetie, Freda’s been pondering a change that’ll put her talents to good use, and a prick named Percy piqued her interest with the promise of resources and freedom to spread her wings. Undeterred, Felix corners Percy after hours “just to scare him,” but the irk got the best of young Felix, and he cold-cocks Percy instead! He punches and pummels until poor Percy cries for the uncle he doesn’t have. Just like you, Felix has gone down swinging into quite the unwinnable position, and even his legal lion of a lawyer is flummoxed into insomnia!

Unfortunately for us, Leonard, this means our little vacation ends with a big howitzer battle… and we’re armed with BB guns. You can tell the judge you were in a fugue state, your whimsical blood sugar triggers a bloodthirst no man can tame. You can make up whatever you want as long as you’re packed for your all-inclusive stay in the slammer. (Between now and then, if you’re into massages, I know of a place that can rub the pre-jail/post-relationship blues right out of you.)

So let’s take smart steps moving forward: Next time, woo your honey with your favorite Carpenters’ song or a chocolate teddy bear. But for now, lay low with your favorite drink and a good movie. And keep those shades drawn: “Percy” has a couple of sons with a penchant for mixed martial arts and an aversion to idiots who beat the crap outta their dad.

Yours in better business,

Saul Goodman