When you love a movie, you never want it to end. You re-watch it. You quote it. You blog about it. Ultimately, fans want to be in the movie, to live the experience. Who wouldn’t want to know the exhilaration of Terminator 2 or Die Hard? But the closest most of us will ever come to experiencing a movie as reality may be at the theme park. A few legendary action pics have become theme-park staples (Terminator 2, Spider-Man), one ride has spawned a franchise (Pirates of the Caribbean), and the Harry Potter series recently got a park for itself. That said, there are some movies I like that I don’t want to experience as a ride. Here are five.
1. The Chronicles of Riddick
Why It Could Happen: Because space adventures always make great rides, and the movie’s predecessor, Pitch Black, has a cult following.
How It Would Play Out: Fans would follow the anti-hero, Riddick (Vin Diesel), on his adventures across the galaxy while hearing the narration of Judi Dench. Lovely.
Why It Will Never Happen: Because the movie is so twisty that a true-to-its-source ride could upset your stomach. The flick’s simple special effects and low-level lighting do not scream Great Adventure.
2. Judgment Night
Why It Could Happen: Because Judgment Night is pretty much The Hangover meets The Warriors. Sounds like the best bachelor party ever.
How It Would Play Out: You start with a can of beer, then enter an RV for a high-budget singles night on wheels. Suddenly, the RV takes a wrong turn — and wham! You’re stuck in an urban nightmare of gangs and poorly choreographed murder in a faux downtown Chicago.
Why It Should Never Happen: People probably don’t want to live the not-so-harmless fun of The Hangover, let alone be hunted for witnessing a murder, like in Judgment Night.
Why It Could Happen: Because people would totally sign up for survivalist fantasy camp.
How It Would Play Out: Don’t be fooled by the Country Bears animatronic banjo players when you enter. Your worst deep-woods nightmare is ahead. All riders willing to wrestle a toothless inbred win a complimentary “I Squealed Like a Pig on Deliverance: The Ride!” T-shirt.
Why It Will Never Happen: The book is so much better.
4. Kill Bill: Vol. 2
Why It Could Happen: The idea of simulating a female-ninja free-for-all sounds positively titillating.
How It Would Play Out: All riders will be buried alive in a pine box in a shallow grave. From there, they’ll be shown an inspiring short film of rigorous martial-arts training. Once riders punch their way out of their coffins, they’ll do battle with wax replicas of Lucy Liu, Vivica A. Fox, and Daryl Hannah.
Why It Will Never Happen: The type of people who want to get involved in a bloody kick fight are not likely to be Disney or Universal ticket buyers.
Why It Could Happen: A closed-off tunnel is an easily constructed ride. Also Sylvester Stallone!
How It Would Play Out: Participants walk from a mock Jersey to a mock Manhattan via a mock Lincoln Tunnel. Suddenly, the tunnel floods, putting only the tour guides in peril. Forced into the water, you’re given three choices: sink, swim, or spend time with down-on-their-luck actors doing impersonations of New Yorkers.
Why It Will Never Happen: It feels too real.
Nick Stevens tries to make funny about movies, pop culture, and sports as often as possible. He lists John McClane, Batman, and Tom Brady as the people with whom he’d most like to have beers. For more of his grown-up nonsense, visit his Tumblr page or follow him on Twitter.Read More