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When the Alien Invasion Comes, Just Call Will Smith or Arnold Schwarzenegger

If Hollywood is right (and really, when isn’t it?), an alien invasion is right around the corner. Tomorrow or the day after, we’re all going to be killed or enslaved by slimy, malevolent overlords. If you expect Barack Obama to retaliate, forget it. He can’t help you. Ditto Nicolas Sarkozy, Vladimir Putin, or Wen Jiabao. No: if mankind’s going to fight off the alien invasion, we’ll need an action star. In reverse order, here’s who we’d prefer.

10. Shep Ramsey (Hulk Hogan), Suburban Commando
suburban-commando-125.jpgFor starters, being massive and muscle-bound would be a huge advantage in repelling the incoming aliens. Moreover, you can’t put a price on experience, and Ramsey is actually an intergalactic warrior, so he’s likely had a past encounter with whichever alien race is invading. For instance, he kills his nemesis, a giant reptilian alien bent on destruction. He’s got the rest of the prerequisites for fighting off extraterrestrials, including advanced space gadgets and a cool costume.

9. Zane Zaminski (Charlie Sheen), The Arrival
the-arrival-125.jpgIf you’re skeptical that a guy played by Sheen could be man’s defender, then you likely missed The Arrival and the crafty Zane. In this lesser-known flick, Zane proves himself a true asset in any deadly scenario that arises. First off, he doesn’t fall into the trap of refusing to believe there are aliens. That’s a huge head start for successfully defeating the creatures. Second, he proves resourceful, open-minded, and even sports a cool goatee that propels him to number nine.

8. Steve Andrews (Steve McQueen), The Blob
the-blob-mcqueen-125.jpgAndrews is the best of an earlier generation at effectively battling space creatures. He quickly identifies something’s afoot, even as the fifties suburban adults around him remain blissfully ignorant. Andrews’s quick recognition that the blob is bad suggests that he’d be particularly useful as part of an international early-detection system. If Hollywood has taught us anything, it’s that early detection is your best shot at survival. On the other hand, he can’t rank higher, owing to a lack of fighting skills.

7. David Levinson (Jeff Goldblum), Independence Day
independence-day-goldblum.jpgIt’s not just brawn you need when fighting off otherworldly overthrow-ers. Sometimes, you need brains, too. That’s when David of Independence Day comes in handy. Simultaneously wry and whiny, he’s the guy who can find the flaw in the alien house of cards and then cause it to crumble. Without him, even a certain muscular, wisecracking hero with similarly noble intentions wouldn’t be able to keep the Earth under human rule. The lesson? Never underestimate the nerds.

6. Agent Jay (Will Smith), Men in Black
men-in-black-smith-125.jpgFor starters, he’s got the right combination of smarts and sinew to be inducted into the Über-selective MIB. He proves it during his audition, showing physical and mental toughness by picking out the one really threatening alien and blowing its brains out. Jay’s also so witty it’s scary: the guy’s always ready with a quip and is quite adept at distracting invaders with his mouth, which, along with his physical assets, is helpful enough for him to rank number six.

5. Ripley (Sigourney Weaver), Alien
alien-sigourney-weaver-125.jpgRipley never fought an entire invasion, but, based on her exploits fighting the monsters of Alien and its sequels, you can safely assume that she’d prove a major asset in any imaginable invasion scenario. When those ships appear in the sky, don’t panic. Just put Ripley in that cool exoskeleton suit and let her go to town. Odds are the invaders won’t be half as threatening as the ones she encounters aboard the Nostromo. Fighting off that alien queen alone brings her into the top five.

4. Agent Kay (Tommy Lee Jones), Men in Black

mib-tommy-lee-jones-125.jpgJust like his partner, Kay has the skills to be picked for the alien-threat-squashing Men in Black. He’s also got decades of experience with all sorts of aliens, good and evil; he can intimidate information out of lesser aliens; and he even has the wherewithal to squash a giant bug alien from the inside. Kay’s savvy, experienced, smart, and knows how to wield a supersecret laser gun. That, and the fact that he’s played by Tommy Lee Jones (a huge bonus), brings Kay to number four.

3. Superman (Christopher Reeve), Superman
superman-christopher-reeves.jpgIf you’re having alien issues, why not call another alien? Namely, the strongest, bravest, and most American alien of all: Superman. The man from Krypton is a rarity — a benevolent brother from another planet who lacks any desire to destroy the Earth’s native inhabitants, probably because he was raised by salt-of-the-earth Kansans. And since he’s so super, he can fight off other super-freaks like the evil Zod (Terence Stamp) of Superman II. Sounds like a good guy to kick off the top three.

2. Dutch (Arnold Schwarzenegger), Predator
predator-125.jpgDutch brings the heat to any battles with aliens: both the guns he carries and the ones that are his formidable arms. In his battle with the Predator, mankind was lucky that only one tentacled nightmare showed up. But if, by chance, a horde of 10,000 extraterrestrial monsters invade, Dutch is definitely the muscleman for the job, since it’s a well-known fact that one Dutch equals roughly 10,000 of anyone or anything else, no matter how deadly dangerous the aliens foes.

1. Captain Steven Hiller (Will Smith), < a href="">Independence Day
independence-day-smith-125.jpgHiller has serious credentials when it comes to countering alien attacks: namely, he’s the key cog in the successful counterattack of Independence Day. Mankind is outgunned, but the aliens still can’t win. Why? Because he says so; that’s why. He beats their fighter ships when the rest of his mates can’t hang. He even captures an alien while wisecracking. Since Hiller is our number one guy to fight the invasion, it’s probably time for him to light up a trademark victory cigar.


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