Ladies and gentlemen of the Academy, thank you for having me back to host the most important event in the history of mankind: the Horror Oscars. That’s right, for the third straight year it’s time for the Oscars to go to hell.
As we did in 2007 and 2008, we’ve assembled a meticulous collection of flicks, tossed them into some fairly random categories, consulted an esteemed and highly educated expert (me), and come up with winners. Let’s get down to business.
Best Lack-of-Original-Ideas Picture
• Friday the 13th
• Halloween II (remake and sequel)
• Last House on the Left
• My Bloody Valentine
• Sorority Row
• The Children
Analysis: I was shocked this year to see seven major horror movies that were remakes or reboots of classic and not-so-classic franchises. Come on, Hollywood. I’m sure you could find an original idea lying around somewhere in the back of your junk drawer.
The Winner: The Children. An upset! Horrible then, horrible now, and yet so bad it’s good. Friday the 13th was a classic, but remaking The Children?
• Fenrir Greyback – Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
• Hive Monsters – Feast III: The Happy Finish
• Insectosaurus – Monsters vs. Aliens
• Moishie – Where the Wild Things Are
• Sabretooth – X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Analysis: Clearly one of the best categories in the Horror Oscars, this one goes beyond the confines of the horror genre to take monsters at face value. You may laugh at Moishie, but take him out of happy-kid world and put him into adult-nightmare world, and he’s bad news. Insectosaurus? You can have cute eyes and be adorably pudgy, but if you’re 350 feet tall, people are going to run away. The Hive Monsters have earned this nom with three movies under their belt. Sabretooth? Yeah, it’s a slow year for cool monsters.
The Winner: Moishie – Where the Wild Things Are. A shocker! You mock the choice? Okay, just ask yourself this: if you get up in the middle of the night to take a leak and open the bathroom door and that sucker is waiting in the half-light of the vanity mirror, will you make it to the toilet bowl?
• Feast III
• Halloween 2
• Saw VI
• The Final Destination
• Twilight: New Moon
Analysis: An excellent crop of sequels; any one of them could take home the hardware.
The Winner: The Final Destination. Sometimes movies win because they’re arty, and sometimes they win because they choke the living heck out of everyone by jamming a giant wad of $100 bills down the world’s throat. The Final Destination cost $40 million to make and, to date, has raked in $185 mil worldwide. New Moon has raked in $702 million worldwide, but, in this category, actual horror content counts.
Best Vomitous Substance Used in a Major Motion Picture
• Barf Flower – A Haunting in Connecticut
• Body Smear – Pandorum
• Mind-Warping Monster Vomit – Feast III: The Happy Finish
• Old-Lady Spit Slime – Drag Me to Hell
Analysis: The names of the candidates speak for themselves.
The Winner: Old-Lady Spit Slime – Drag Me To Hell. Old-Lady Spit Slime couldn’t be here to accept this award tonight, because she’s hosting a You Can’t Do That on Television reunion, but if you saw Drag Me To Hell, you know she earned the trophy.
Best “Another Vampire Flick?” Picture
• Against the Dark
• Blood: The Last Vampire
• Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant
• Let the Right One In
• Twilight: New Moon
• Underworld: Rise of the Lycans
Analysis: Hollywood keeps tapping the vampire vein, and most of the products are utterly unoriginal. There were way more than eight vampire flicks last year, but I have only so much room.
The Winner: Twilight: New Moon. Give it a rest, Mr. Horror-Movie Purist. The thing has made $702 million so far, which is $300 mil more than the first Twilight earned. Say whatever you want, but the fact is that this flick — just like the books it’s based on — entertained millions of people.
• Dead Snow
• Drag Me to Hell
• Paranormal Activity
Analysis: There are five Best Picture nominees, not ten: when I was kid, we had five, and that’s the way we liked it. All in all, 2009 was a pretty kick-ass year for horror. Zombieland rocked with gory laughs; Drag Me to Hell saw the return of horror king Sam Raimi; Paranormal Activity was proof that the old Blair Witch formula can still be used to tell a clever low-budget story; Pontypool showed that a smart take on the old zombie standard can make for a unique experience; and Dead Snow revealed that there’s a market for winter Nazi-zombie stories.
The Winner: Dead Snow. Fun, well-done, and gory. Take what’s widely considered the worst of modern-day bogeymen and make them worse, via zombification. A low-budget sneaks in and wins the top prize.
That’s it for 2009; see you all next year. Unless, of course, you’re going to be at the next Nickelodeon reunion, in which case just forget it.Read More