Because I write about horror movies here at AMCtv.com, you’ve undoubtedly come to two assumptions about me: One, that I love horror movies and two, that I am a fashion plate who keeps up with all the latest trends. While I’d like to maintain an air of mystery about my life, I’ll say this much — one of those statements is true! OK, fine. The shocking truth is, I’m not very fashionable at all. However, this does not stop me from judging the denizens of the countless horror flicks I watch and deciding what’s hot and what’s not — and what are opinions for if not for sharing? Read on to find out who’s a scary style maven and who needs a makeover.
Perhaps it’s his noble breeding that accounts for his couture wardrobe. Whether portrayed by Bela Lugosi, Christopher Lee, Frank Langella or Gary Oldman, the dude simply never dresses down! No casual jeans or T-shirts for Dracula: He’s always dressed to the nines in flouncy shirts, sleek slacks, capes and the occasional fancy medallion. His hair is perfectly coiffed and his fangs are shiny white, except when they’re covered in blood. Why, I’ll bet that even in wolf form, he doesn’t smell bad. The King of the Vampires is proof that that just because you bite people and suck the life out of them to extend your own beyond its natural limits doesn’t mean you can’t look good.
Freddy Krueger ( A Nightmare on Elm Street series)
For all his joke-cracking and kooky shenanigans, Freddy Krueger is a pretty despicable guy. Not content with murdering children during his lifetime, he figures out a way to enter their dreams and kill kids from the afterlife. But I gotta give the guy props: The blackpants/green-and-red striped sweater/fedora combo is a good one… iconic even! Considering that Freddy can bend the dreamscape to his whims, it shows confidence that he maintains a casual, understated look.
The Cenobites (Hellraiser series)
One of the most gripping theological questions with which man must grapple is “What do demons wear?” To judge by Pinhead and his cronies, the answer is leather, leather and more leather (black, natch). While the sharp, scary things poking through the pale skin of the Cenobites may scream “bad ass,” it’s the S & M-ish leather that screams “really bad ass.”
The Creeper (Jeepers Creepers )
I’m so conflicted about this movie. It starts out so good, with an exceedingly scary dude stuffing dead bodies down a well. Then we discover that the exceedingly scary dude is actually a monster who has to feed every so often and blah blah blah blah blah… it gets a bit too silly for my taste. That said, I admire the fact that a monster would bother to get dressed at all, let alone do a fairly decent job of it. Sure, the Creeper’s clothes are a little tattered, but the long coat and hat-topped ensemble indicates a laudable desire to be presentable as he rips your face off.
Johnny (Night of the Living Dead )
You know what they say about zombies: Fashionable in life, fashionable in death. After a fateful trip to the cemetery and the ensuing random ghoul encounter, Johnny proved he was both. A nice suit, a polka dot tie and spiffy driving gloves made him the best-dressed zombie stalking the farmhouse. No one else in the horde could compare, except perhaps the naked zombie, with her timely counter-culture statement.
Michael Myers ( Halloween series)
Look, I love Michael Myers. Growing up, he was always my slasher bogeyman of choice. I admire the creepy simplicity of his white mask, but his outfit of choice — overalls pilfered from the body of a garage mechanic — say nothing but dull, dull, dull. I understand he wants to keep things simple and focus on the task of murderin’ innocents, but geez, a little variety couldn’t hurt.
Pamela Voorhees (Friday the 13th )
Now, I’m not one to say that women and men need to dress in “gender appropriate” ways. If a guy wants to wear a dress so his gams and whatnot can “breathe,” that’s fine by me. I’m just saying that Mrs. Voorhees’ bulky, boxy sweater and boots led many a person to believe that the killer roaming Camp Crystal Lake was, in fact, a man. This may have been deliberate, so as to throw people off her trail, in which case she gets kudos for practical thinking. I’m just here to say that her grey, shapeless sweater does nothing for her figure, and the color washes her out. I only want to help!
Norman Bates (Psycho )
OK, I’m a bit torn on Norman Bates. I admit to finding a certain Mr. Rogers-esque comfort in Norman’s cardigans and corduroys. They look comfy, reassuring and stable. But Norman is a young guy! He should be wearing something a little more age appropriate. And when he’s all done up as Mother? I don’t know whether to blame mother or son for those awful housedresses, but they’re hideous. And the utilitarian bun isn’t a very flattering hairstyle, either. No matter who’s behind the fashion choices, it’s obvious that lack of style was the biggest crime perpetrated at the Bates Motel.
Leatherface (The Texas Chain Saw Massacre series)
I shouldn’t be too hard on poor ol’ Leatherface. After all, he did dress for dinner, donning a jacket and tie and applying makeup to his leather face. Still, I can’t get on board with wearing other people’s faces over your own. Even if they are prettier than what you were born with, it’s just not right. His clothes are also grimy-looking and covered with blood, and you just know that he smells terrible. While I understand that the saw is family, I hope the might perhaps welcome some new members, say, soap and cologne.
The Mummy (The Mummy and others)
Sure, once you’re dead, the choice of funeral attire is out of your hands. But once you return to life, well, frankly there’s no excuse for continuing to wear filthy bandages. Would it kill (or re-kill) the mummy to make a quick stop at J. Crew before he getting to the whole seeking revenge thing? It’s not like the curse would disappear if he put on a pair of jeans.
I’m sure it’s tough for horror-movie bad guys to find outfits that are practical yet pleasing to the eye. No, you don’t want too many accoutrements getting between you and your victim. But it’s still important to present yourself nicely. Hmm. Maybe I’ve got a thing or two to learn from these guys…
When Stacie Ponder isn’t writing about horror movies here or at her own beloved blog Final Girl, she’s making them. Always, though, she leads a glamorous life, walking on the razor’s edge of danger and intrigue.