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Scott Sigler – The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Monster Hunters

Time for another Twitter-sourced column, Dear Reader. This time, we polled the Twitterati for gems of wisdom culled from horror movies, and the result is “All I Need to Know I Learned From Monster Hunters.” Because let’s be honest: For all the idiots who die the death of the stupid in horror flicks, the monster hunter almost always lives. Especially if he or she is franchise: Hell, Buffy, died twice and she got to come back (twice), so clearly this is a group whose members can give us excellent guidance for success.

“By perseverance the snail reached the ark.” — Charles Spurgeon
“Zombies are getting faster all the time.” @ManWithPez

No kidding! Remember the good old days of shambling, decomposing mounds of humanity? Zombies used to get by on sheer perseverance; now, they have 4.6 speed in the 40-yard dash, like the speedsters in 28 Days Later and the 2004’s Dawn of the Dead. Monster hunters know that speed kills, and cardio, as we’re also reminded in Zombieland — is critical.

“And, you see, we are living in a world in which all wars are wars of defense.” — George Ward
“The Mall is not the best choice to hole up in case of monster invasion.” @Rasplundjr

Sure, the mall has a food court (and who doesn’t love 3,000-calorie cheesy super pretzels for that burst of survivalist energy?), but malls also have many, many doors. No choke points! A valuable lesson learned in Eight Legged Freaks and Land of the Dead.

“Education is not preparation for life; education is life itself.” — John Dewey
“Keep chemistry textbooks in your trunk, just in case you get sent back to the Middle Ages” @drewbeatty

These quotes go together nicely: Monster hunters know damn well that knowledge is power, as Ash showed us in Army of Darkness. A good textbook kept close to hand never runs out of power!

“It is far harder to kill a phantom than a reality.” — Virginia Woolf
“Two words: double tap.” @eclipse75048

It’s hard to kill a reality, harder to kill a phantom and damn near freakin’ impossible to kill the undead. Things crawl around with no legs and missing half their guts and stuff. Fledgling monster hunter Columbus taught us the value of making good and sure the job is done in the awesome Zombieland (@BetaClone076 also noted the value of double-tap).

“I hang onto my prejudices, they are the testicles of my mind.” — Eric Hoffer
“Wolfman’s got nards!”
@MrMyles, @dsstrkl, @philrossi
Just sit back and soak up the wisdom, friends: Any menace can be defeated if you target its sensitive reproductive organs. One good kick in the literal or metaphoric bean bag can put your enemy down for the count, as evidenced by Monster Squad. Monster hunters know this and now you do too.

“Nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like accomplishment.” — Thomas Carlyle
“If someone asks if you’re a God, you say yes.” @Jojadog

Dialing in a notable piece of wisdom from Hollywood’s preeminent monster hunters, the Ghostbusters, we may truly understand the raw power of self-esteem. If someone thinks you’re a god, well hell, let them! Correct misconceptions at your own peril, Dear Reader.

“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” — Randall Terry
“Don’t let yourself be turned into an Uwe Boll movie.” @Athernrein

And here’s one for you, aspiring monster hunters, now you can take advice from us, the regular people. Kill you your monsters in old movies, TV, comic books or video games, but avoid certain movie makers! All you have to do is watch Alone in the Dark or Bloodrayne to know these words are ripe with the stench of harsh truth.

Wisdom Conquers All
And there you have it, Dear Reader: Fantastic bits of life-sustaining knowledge, drawn from the collective wisdom of monster-hunters. If you’ve learned other life lessons from monster-hunter flicks, put them in the comments below. But for now, soak up that information, then go forth and kill you some zombies. Metaphorical zombies, of course. But kill them just the same… and always remember to double-tap.

contagious-cover-500.preview.jpgNew York Times best-selling author Scott Sigler writes tales of hard-science horror, then gives them away as free audiobooks at His novel INFECTED was named as Border’s #1 mystery, thriller and horror novel for 2008. His next major hardcover horror/thriller ANCESTOR will be out on May 4, 2010.

Don’t agree with what Scott says in this blog? Post a note in the comments section below. Include all relevant personal information, such as your address and what times you are not home, so Scott can pay you a surprise visit and show you his world famous “Chicken Scissors.”

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