Apparently, I ain’t afraid o’ much. In this column, I’ve tackled ways to deal with vampires, werewolves, zombies and even haunted houses. Nope, ain’t afraid of any of ’em, because Hollywood shows me fast and efficient ways to eliminate these supernatural threats in 90 minutes or less. But there’s one more boogeddy boo I ain’t ‘fraid of, and that’s ghosts. About time we got to ghosts, no? Especially considering Ray Parker Jr.’s Ghostbusters theme is what got this ball of journalistic integrity a-rollin.’ So how do you deal with ghosts?
Say His Name Three Times
First, a warning — if you’re dealing with Candyman, this is a bad tactic. Very bad. If you’re dealing with the ghost of Biggie Smalls, also a bad strategy. If, however, you’re up against the ghost with the most, this strategy is like a supernatural bitch-slap. Beetlejuice gets a what-for because of people shouting out his name three times. Why? No idea. It’s supernatural. You don’t need a “why” or a “how.” You just do that shiz and watch the credits roll.
That’s right, you ghostly bitches, come say hello to my little nuclear friend. The charged particle accelerator from Ghostbusters is all about whoopin’ some ghost booty, all John Wayne style. No spells, no pentagrams, no tarot carts, no Peter Cushing, let’s handle this the American way: Point the gun at it and pull the trigger. Heck, if Louis Tully can use it, you could suit up just about anyone and lay waste to the protoplasmic masses.
Midget Supernatural Ladies
OK, so this Poltergeist bad-ass is clearly not good at her job. I mean come on, bro, she tells you “this house is cleansed,” hands you the five-figure bill for her services, packs up the reality TV crew that’s following her around and heads out, leaving you with a pretty frickin’ major post-mescal party cleanup. Still, what she lacks in skill, she makes up for with showmanship and flat-out style. The word “medium” takes on a whole new light with this one. And speaking of light, don’t go into it. That’s bad, dig?
Tell That Dude He’s Dead Already
You see dead people. I got it, Sixth Sense kid, and believe me, I’m not making fun of this awesome talent or ripping on a potentially lucrative skillset (I hear the Ghostbusters are hiring for the third movie), but come on, kid — tell that dumb-ass already. What show do you think you’re on, Lost? “Why, I have all of the information and the answers, but for some unknown reason, I’m not going to just flat-out tell you… and it’s not because the writers have no idea. Honest. I mean it. Hey, look over there! Is that a smoke monster?” Think of it this way; If I’m walking around a party with my fly open and my proton pack looking for library ladies, I would like someone to tell me, know what I’m sayin’? And if I’m actually dead, just take that open fly thing and multiply it by, like, a hundred. Tell the dead dude, “Dude, you’re dead.” Then watch him walk into the light and damn the advice of any medium-sized mediums.
Take The Freakin’ Video Back to The Store Already …
If this sounds a bit like “tell that dude he’s dead already,” there’s a good reason for that — because the logic in The Ring is about the same. Say you’re watching a video. Say this ghost is going to whack your ass in seven days, unless you get someone else to watch said video and thereby pass on the curse. First of all, seven days is five days worth of Blockbuster late fees. I know they are trying to duck-and-cover from the ass-whipping Netflix is laying down, but the demon-seed clerks of this chain deserve an eternity of payback for the $57.95 I had to pay for Police Academy VI, City Under Siege that wound up lost in my Barcalounger. So there you are, faced with a late fee so big that Preisdent Obama would want to use to take the edge off the deficit, or you can the video to Blockbuster and say “there’s something wrong with this movie, y’all better take a peek” thereby sending a video-store clerk straight to hell. My friend, that’s a no-brainer — increase hell’s population by one and live on with a clear conscience, knowing that you did some good for the world.
Don’t Get Slimed
Well there you have it, five phenomenal methods for dealing with ghosties. Let’s all just use some common sense and we’ll make it out OK. And if that fails, pass me that damn proton pack, que up Vasquez from Aliens, and let’s rawwwk.
New York Times best-selling author Scott Sigler writes tales of hard-science horror, then gives them away as free audiobooks at www.scottsigler.com. His latest hardcover, CONTAGIOUS is in stores now. If you don’t agree with what Scott says in this blog, post a note in the comments section below. Please include all relevant personal information, such as your address and what times you are not home, so Scott can come visit and show you his world famous “Chicken Scissors.”Read More