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Two months ago, I shocked the world with a riveting expose on one of the most barbaric, Satanic, horrific and despicable displays of horror debauchery ever displayed on the small screen.
That’s right, I cracked open a can of journalistic whup-ass on South Park. I dared go where no reporter has gone before. Well, some have tried, but wound up dead thanks to the vindictive natures of Matt Stone and Trey Parker (both indicted for murder but never convicted, the slippery bastards).
That column was “The Horror of South Park (Part 1),” and like all good things horror it required a sequel, if only because this controversial show has so much horrific content it was hard to pick a mere five episodes. So let’s hit the daily double and kick out five more.
Season 1, Episode 7
Is there anything more horrific than zombies? Stone and Parker take their classic “Oh my God, they killed Kenny!” gag and turn it on its undead head. Kenny rises from the grave to exact revenge upon the land of the living, who assume the zombie nightmare was caused by a case of pink eye. The real culprit? Why, worcestershire sauce, of course. Buckets of blood, severed limbs, chainsaws and the “Thriller” dance… this episode has it all.
Butter’s Very Own Episode
Season 5, Episode 14
Is horror always about blood and guts? No, sometimes it’s psychological, as it was for Butters, South Park‘s unlikely breakout character, in this very special episode in which Butters’ trip to Bennigan’s devolves into sheer terror. First he learns that his dad is secretly visiting gay clubs, then he oh-so-innocently tells his mother, who goes street-rat crazy. Mom tries to kill Butters by driving the family car into the river, but the resourceful and ever-oblivious towhead makes his way home in time to witness his parents’ shocking confessions of infidelity and murder. Are you going to be OK, Butters? No. No, he won’t be… not ever again.
Season 1, Episode 12
South Park‘s first season was a major coming-out party for cartoon horrors, but nothing scared me pee-less like the sight of a screaming, 40-foot Barbara Streisand deathbot. The boys discover the mysterious “Triangle of Zinfar,” a coveted object that turns Babs into the most evil and dangerous creature to walk the Earth… the Mecha-Streisand. A rave-up tribute to 1970s’ Japanese monster flicks, this episode sees the town smashed under the bitchy boot-heel of this metallic Lear-jet liberal. Even Tom’s Rhinoplasty isn’t safe from the carnage.
Season 9, Episode 11
Again, not all horror involves a camera lens streaked with gore. Where would the genre be without chanting, mindless, killer cults? And that’s exactly what Cartman drums up here, when he builds a following of redheads hell bent on revenge for millennia of abuse. In this fun mash-up of Children of the Corn and The Children, the carrot tops go from outcasts to “the chosen race.” Cages, flames, hatred and brainwashing? Yeah, that’s horror.
Woodland Critter Christmas
Season 8, Episode 14
What, you thought Christmas Evil, Black Christmas and Santa’s Slay had cornered the market in tainting the biggest holiday in the Western culture? Well step aside, Butch, because South Park loves to besmirch this holiest of holy days. In Woodland Critter Christmas, Stan befriends a gaggle of animals worried about Porcupiney the Porcupine’s annual immaculate conception. In the spirit of Christmas, Stan helps the animals out, building a manger to host the spiney Son of God and killing the mountain lion that eats said Son of God every time He’s born. Alas, poor Stan discovers too late that the cute animals are Satan worshipers, and Porcupiney’s unborn seed is the Antichrist. This may be the most deeply wrong of all South Park episodes, and that’s really saying something.
You Depraved Bastards …
All of the episodes mentioned above come courtesy of reader comments from The Horror of South Park (Part 1), so thank you JTIndie, wyrdwyrd, Twowire, martyndarkly, Megillo, lisa, ARealGirl and E.Q. We’re two installments into this journalistic franchise, but I have to ask: Are there enough horrific episodes left for a third installment? Comment below and let me know.
New York Times best-selling author Scott Sigler writes tales of hard-science horror, then gives them away as free audiobooks at www.scottsigler.com. His latest hardcover, CONTAGIOUS is in stores now. If you don’t agree with what Scott says in this blog, post a note in the comments section below. Please include all relevant personal information, such as your address and what times you are not home, so Scott can come visit and show you his world famous “Chicken Scissors.”Read More