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The Secret Realtors Won’t Reveal – Monsters Make Your Million-Dollar Ocean View Worthless

Water, water everywhere and no one stops to think: All those oceans, seas, lakes, lochs and boggy creeks are just teeming with creepy creatures — just check out any special about life on the ocean floor. So you want a panoramic view of the water why exactly?

And if you think an off-shore wind farm degrades your pricey waterfront view, wait till Godzilla or Gorgo or The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms or that great honking Cloverfield monster lumbers into view… you might as well have buried your down payment in the middle of an EPA Superfund site. But giant reptiles are just the tip of the iceberg…

It Came from Beneath the Sea (1955): What could spoil a fabulous Golden Gate Bridge view? How about a giant sextopus on the rampage? No, not a mutant libertine from the Castro, a mutant octopus disturbed by H-bomb testing, except that budgetary constraints required fledgling stop-motion animator Ray Harryhausen to pare away two legs. His creature still made a bigger splash than 1971’s Octaman, the “Horror Heap from the Nuclear Trash,” which only goes to show that no-one cares when you ruin the property values of impoverished Mexican fishermen and terrorize tree-hugging research scientists. That said, the ludicrous man-o-pus was designed by future Oscar-winner Rick Baker and writer-director Harry Essex co-wrote the classic Creature from the Black Lagoon, so you might want to take a lookie-loo. 

If you bought a modest home in West LA’s Venice community in the 1960s, you’re now sitting on at least a million bucks worth of real estate. Unless, of course, you panicked and sold your cute little bohemian bungalow in 1978 because some pollution monster — the titular Spawn of the Slithis — crawled out of the faux-Italian canals to prey on household pets, dirty hippies and homeless drunks. Repeat after me: Monsters come and monsters go, but houses are all about location, location, location.

Or maybe you were a back-to-nature type and bought in Noyo, a blue-collar fishing town in Northern California’s Mendocino County. Nice one! You’ve got a great vacation home, or maybe the B&B you dreamed of running when you dropped out of the corporate rat race. Sure, that business with the Humanoids from the Deep — sex-crazed, mutant human-coelacanth hybrids accidentally created by corporate scientists and their experiments with salmon DNA — was a bummer. But fortunately for you, today’s buyers have the attention span of a gnats and your investment is safe.

A word to the wise: Do not — repeat do not — invest in properties in Seoul City, South Korea! You’ve seen the samizdat videos on YouTube, right? “Hey, what’s that weird thing hanging off the Wonhyo bridge… it looks kind of like one of those snakehead fish, only the size of an 18-wheeler with legs. And it’s headed this way! Aieeeee!” You don’t really believe that The Host (2006) is just a goofy throwback to 1950s American monster movies, do you?

And finally, if you must buy a place by the beach, gently tell your kids the truth about mermaids: She Creature (2001) is an excellent teaching tool. Just as bears in the zoo aren’t teddy bears, mermaids aren’t all sweet like Disney’s Ariel — throw in clips from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005) and Dagon (2001) for emphasis, and if you’re lucky your progeny will limit their aquatic adventuring to the hotel pool.

For a look at how wrong a little seaside sojourn can go, tune in to The Flesh Eaters (1964) on AMC May 15 at 3AM; click here for our full movie schedule.

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