Last column, I talked about the best slasher weapons in movie history — the chainsaw, the machete, the axe, the butcher knife and the glove of claws. These are things of legend, the greatest weapons in all of moviedom. Celebrated and imitated, such devices are the collective pinnacle of Hollywood horror.
But for every pinnacle there is a nadir… the bottom of the barrel, the trench, the absolute low end of the scale that defines failure. And know what? That’s my neighborhood, and I’m here to help you see the worst murder weapons ever concocted for the silver screen (or shiny straight-to-DVD).
Leprechaun: Death by Pogo Stick (Click here to watch)
If only I could say I’m making this up. Really. I wish I could say “I made up the most retarded way ever to kill someone in a movie; it’s so stupid you’ll just want to hit me in the face with a dirty sock filled with bits of used bubble gum and the loose teeth of a 1950s’ train hobo,” but I’m not making it up. Yes, the Leprechaun actually kills someone with a pogo stick and no, it does not have the eloquence of Jason’s axe. Just … it just doesn’t. It’s a pogo stick, man. A pogo stick!
Killer Klowns from Outer Space: Cotton Candy Gun (Click here to watch)
Clowns are scary, which is why you see them from time to time in horror movies like Stephen King’s It and the cult classic Killer Clowns From Outer Space. The latter featured one of the all-time wackiest weapons in horror history: A gun that turns victims into a big, human-sized cone of cotton candy. Granted, I’d really like to buy one on eBay so that I could properly deal with all my enemies, but it really isn’t the kind of thing upon which you can build a horror franchise.
Deadly Friend: The Dodge Ball of Doom (Click here to watch)
For many kids, dodge ball is the stuff of nightmares. Public humiliation combined with a physical beating and, if you’re lucky, broken glasses as well. But the worst imaginings of these poor, athletically challenged souls don’t extend to dodge balls thrown so hard that heads explode upon impact, as they do in Deadly Friend. That’s some serious velocity. Even Vince Vaughn couldn’t dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge this puppy. One for special effects, ten for ingenuity.
Slumber Party Massacre 2: Power-Drill Guitar (Click here to watch the stupidity):
Damn… and I thought the killer pogo stick was bad. But this? This is on a whole different level of “I want my money back.” Slumber Party Massacre 2 is so bad that even Ticketmaster would return your “convenience charge.” The movie features an evil Andrew Dice Clay clone running amok with an electric guitar topped by a three-foot drill bit. And you thought Prince’s Super Bowl halftime performance was phallocentric. Wait a minute… if you’ve watched the clip it should be pretty damned clear that Prince watched it too. Wow. Who’d have thought Slumber Party Massacre 2 would have such an impact on our popular culture?
Nail Gun Massacre: Nail Gun (Click here to destroy whatever intelligence remained after you watched the power-drill guitar clip)
Honestly? I think a three-day tequila bender in Tijuana would leave me with more intact brain cells than a single viewing of Nail Gun Massacre. Apparently there wasn’t much to do in 1986 — you know, the pre-internet, pre-500 channels on cable days when we still had pegged pants and mullets. some intrepid filmmaker came up with this two-day-old dog turd of a flick. The killer is a crazy combination of Knight Rider‘s KITT and the Gimp from Pulp Fiction, spouting catchphrases that make Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Commando dialogue seem Shakespearean by comparison… right, back to the weapon: It’s a nail gun, complete with a compressed-air tank and more dangling cords than a Herbie Hancock video. I’ve hallucinated worse, but only during my sleep-deprived Gitmo hunger strike.
In Conclusion… Kiss Your Sorry Intellect Goodbye
I’m sorry I had to list these weapons. I’m sorry that you watched the clips. But after “researching” this column and losing between four and six ounces of grey matter, the only way I can continue to feel smart is to make those around me dumber. Did I miss any particularly stupid killer weapons? Leave a comment and let me know.
New York Times best-selling author Scott Sigler writes tales of hard-science horror, then gives them away as free audiobooks at www.scottsigler.com. His latest hardcover, CONTAGIOUS is in stores now. If you don’t agree with what Scott says in this blog, post a note in the comments section below. Please include all relevant personal information, such as your address and what times you are not home, so Scott can come visit and show you his world famous “Chicken Scissors.”Read More