When it comes to wiping out monsters, you’ve come to the right place. You’ve come to the Wikipedia of monster slaying, the self-appointed expert on all things undead doom — Uncle Scottie. And this month, we’ll be addressing vampires. Because for crying out loud, the pesky bloodsuckers are everywhere. Everywhere. They are in the theaters with Twilight, they are on cable with True Blood and Moonlight and they are all over the damn bookstore shelves. Let’s address how to kill these sonsabitches and make the night safe once again for things like drug dealing, organized crime and prostitution, because, dammit, that’s the American way!
The Wooden Stake
Yes, the classic, time-tested method for busting open a can of undead whoop-ass. Just about any variety seems to work here, from a sharpened stake a la Buffy the Vampire Slayer to a table leg. Shards of wood also work just fine. But stakes are booo-ring, people, let’s look at some more spectacular, Draculaic ways to bring a vampire down.
Awww yeah, lay down some blessed badness
on those boogers. Holy water can, depending on the flick, mess up a
vamp’s complexion and set them up for the kill (via stake or other
methods). That is, unless you’re the Frog Brothers in The Lost Boys,
and you fill a whole bathtub with the stuff then play dunk-a-vamp.
(Results can be explosive; get a mop.) Holy water is particularly
convenient if you have a priest in your D&D party who can take
diarrhea-causing Mexican agua and convert it to convenient Holy Water
Balloons, as seen in Dusk Till Dawn .
to basics for all you hippy REI tree-hugging types, forever complaining about global warming. Well, have a vamp chase you out of the haunted house and
into the afternoon sun and then tell me Old Sol is such a bad guy. John
Carpenter’s Vampires gives us sunny good times, as does the climax from the ’80s vamp comedy Fright Night. (Results can be dusty; get a broom.) A classic sunny automotive disposition is shown in Near Dark , when the sun and a tractor-trailer are put to good use, but for a true sunlight-based Weapon of Vamp Destruction, don’t miss the mirrorball scene from Dusk Till Dawn.
Layeth the Smacketh Down (Including Decapitation)
vampires are beyond the basic “kill me with a stake/holy
water/sunshine” variety. Sometimes you have to go old-school and pass
down a serious gangland beating. When facing this variety of vamp,
decapitation is always the best finishing move. In 1996’s Night Hunter, the heroes do just that. Also see any Blade movie — no one loves to brutalize a vamp like Wesley Snipes. Dial up some 30 Days of Night here as well, ’cause cutting off a child vamp’s head with an axe is just a guaranteed good time.
the most die-hard vamp-lovers have a hard time denying fire’s awesome
qualities — qualities that would promote Beavis to legendary slayer
status (fire! FIIII-YAHHHH!). Brad Pitt in Interview With the Vampire gets his flame on, along with some wicked scythe work, on a fellow bloodsucker. Twilight‘s vampires also fall into this incendiary category. Since author Stephanie Meyers
wanted to put vamps in high school (and high schools hold classes during
the day), she conveniently did away with the traditional
stake/sunlight/garlic/silver angles — the only way to be sure is to
tear them into pieces and set the pieces on fire.
Modern High-Tech Goodies?
I’m sure that this morning over breakfast, you were asking your significant other a question like:
You: “Hon, how would Nanohmic’s electronic flash-bang grenade work against an undead blood-sucker?”
Spouse: “Gosh, pumpkin, I’m not sure. Can you pass the butter?”
You: “Sure, here you go. Don’t forget to take out the trash.”
Fortunately, I am not your disinterested significant other — so here’s an awesome story from Wired‘s Danger Room on how conventional and high-tech weapons work on the undead.
All of the Above
Just watch the Blade
movies — what hasn’t he put to use? If a dented can of dolphin-safe tuna would kill them, Blade
would have a StarKist bandolier. He’s a firm believer in the “right
tool for the job” school of thought.
Don’t Wait – Decapitate!
Dear Reader, we are beset with a plague, and we must act. We must act now!
Whatever method you choose, let’s rid the entertainment world of this
vamp vermin. Me? Oh, I’ll be hiding in the church while y’all do your
thing. Get goin’.
New York Times bestselling author Scott Sigler writes tales of hard-science horror, then gives them away as free audiobooks at www.scottsigler.com. His new novel, Contagious,
hit bookstores on December 30 and is currently available. If you don’t agree with what Scott says in this blog, please
email him firstname.lastname@example.org. Please include all relevant personal
information, such as your address and what times you are not home, so
Scott can come visit and show you his world famous “Chicken Scissors.”