What the hell just happened? Someone, please, fill me in… did Sean Crenshaw just win the Greatest Supernatural Teen Tournament? By gosh, he did!
He came out on top of a field of sixteen that included Twilight‘s Edward Cullen, David from The Omen II , and the Toxic Avenger. Hell, Crenshaw beat Teen Wolf, then Harry Potter‘s Hermoine Granger, then Potter himself, and finished it off by ruining Carrie White’s prom — that poor girl has no luck with high school dances, I swear. In fact, it looks like Carrie shouldn’t have bothered to get dressed up for this event — when the final numbers were tallied, Sean whooped Carrie, 461 to 79 or roughly six votes to one.
Who is this Crenshaw kid?
Well, he’s the pretty-boy leader of The Monster Squad,
a 1987 cult-classic movie. Played by Andre Gower, Sean leads a rag-tag
bunch of misfits again the Wolfman, Dracula and Frankenstein. In a
movie that could play well in a double-feature with The Goonies , The Monster Squad
wasn’t even close to a hit when it came out. It’s never spawned a
sequel, although there are rumors of a remake produced by Rob Cohen
(director of Stealth and The Mummy 3).
So in the face of movies that have grossed hundreds of millions,
movies with teen stars like Harry Potter, like Edward Cullen, how does
a movie that has barely made $6 million in 22 years spawn a champion
like Sean Crenshaw?
I think the answer lies with nostalgia. Is it that many in
Generation X, who are at work all day in front of their computers (and
not, of course, browsing AMCTV.com when they are on the clock) are
annoyed as hell by the Twilight series? Are these same people a
little, shall we say, “over” the Harry Potter phenomenon? Perhaps. But
that doesn’t explain how Crenshaw bested Carrie White, who hailed from
a 1976 horror classic.
Maybe it’s simply because The Monster Squad produced one of the all-time
best lines in the history of horror movies. When Sean and his buddy
Horace (the mandatory Fat, Loud Kid That Eats Candy Bars All the Time)
are confronted by a roaring, drooling Wolfman, the following dialogue
gem goes down:
Sean: “Kick him in the nards!”
Horace: “Wolfman don’t got nards!”
Sean: “Do it! Do it!”
Horace runs up and plants a kick in the Wolfman’s crotch, Wolfman doubles over.
Horace: “Wolfman’s got nards!”
Yes, Dear Reader, I believe that exchange alone is what made
Crenshaw the champ. God knows I can’t remember a single thing from that
movie other than that scene. So congrats to Sean Crenshaw, the champion. Here’s to hoping we get
a remake, and that Rob Cohen doesn’t get all artistic and mess with
perfection. That’s right, Cohen, whatever you do, make sure the Wolfman
still gots nards.
New York Times bestselling author Scott Sigler writes tales of hard-science horror, then gives them away as free audiobooks at www.scottsigler.com. His new novel, Contagious,
hit bookstores on December 30 and is currently available. If you don’t agree with what Scott says in this blog, please
email him email@example.com. Please include all relevant personal
information, such as your address and what times you are not home, so
Scott can come visit and show you his world famous “Chicken Scissors.”