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Horror Power Ranking – February 16, 2009

Like the rest of America, I did my patriotic duty, and trucked off to the multiplex to check out Friday the 13th. Unlike the rest of America, I was sorely disappointed: This is the sequel to Jason X? Not a single plot point was followed from the last movie! Last we saw, Jason was rocketing from space in a death struggle with Brodski, landing in a simulation of a lake on Earth 2. Yet there was nary a mention of any of the characters from Jason X… And how did Jason lose his nanobytes? I guess we’ll never know.

All kidding aside, Friday the 13th was a terrible, terrible movie. Yet it remains at the top of our ranking because no other horror movie so dominated the national conversation this week. What else dominated our national conversation? And will I stop using the phrase “national conversation”? I guess you’ll just have to read on to find out:

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Horror Power Rankings
Rank LW Movie
1 1 friday13th0307-75x75.jpg Friday the 13th
Who cares if it’s good? It’s got massive kills, hot naked babes, and just pulled in $40 million opening weekend. But shouldn’t we care? Are death and boobs all we want from our horror, or should we also demand “quality”?
2 prideandprejudice75x75.jpg Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
It was just the other week that I was lamenting yet another zombie comedy, so why is this at number two? Because I’m a complete sucker for Jane Austen/Emily Bronte jokes, and the title is hilarious. Does this undermine my previous complaint?
3 lasthouseontheleft-75x75.jpg Last House on the Left
I’ve been thinking more about the trailer of this remake this past weekend, than the remake I saw it attached to (that would be Friday the 13th). Plus, the haunting cover of “Sweet Child of Mine,” has been on non-stop rotation in my head.
4 4 jennifers-body-75x75.jpg Jennifer’s Body
All I’m going to say is that it’s very hard to write about this movie without resorting to really crass puns. That out of the way, J-Body holds steady this week because of the continued interest in the same publicity still as last week. Crazy!
5 bloodthelastvampire75x75.jpg Blood: The Last Vampire
I have no clue what’s going on in this trailer, or if it has anything to do with vampires. All I know is, s–t done blow up, reeeeal good. We’ll have to see more before making our decisions, but a Japanese school girl vs. bat monsters? Cool.
6 gate-75x75.jpg The Gate 3D
There’s zero chance that Alex Winter, who’s remaking the Stephen Dorff “classic” in 3D, will break out the Bill voice, right? Then I’m only interested enough to debut this at number six. Get Keanu to make a cameo, and then we’ll talk.
7 nightmare-on-elm-street-freddy-headshot-small-75x75.jpg Nightmare on Elm Street
Award-winning commercial director, Samuel Bayer, is helming the Nightmare remake! Lindsay Lohan is starring! No, wait, she’s not! This was a crazy week for Nightmare news, all ignoring one crucial point: Don’t remake Nightmare.
8 8 grace-75x75.jpg Grace
After the “let’s let our excellent actors just improvise the script,” aesthetic of Friday the 13th, I’m literally aching to see a well-crafted, original horror movie. Is Grace that movie? I don’t know, because it still doesn’t have a release date.
9 5 underworld-rise-75x75.jpg Underworld: Rise of the Lycans
It’s always sad to see any old friend go, and this looks to be Underworld‘s last shot on the Horror Power Ranking. Still, there’s good news: The movie did enough business to warrant yet another Underworld sequel soon.
10 descent-75x75.jpg The Descent 2
The Descent: Alien :: The Descent 2: Aliens. And that isn’t just me being clever with my SAT analogies. Now that we’ve seen the first trailer, we know it rips off the plot of Aliens. I guess if you’re going steal, steal from the best?
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