Last week we sought nominations for the Greatest Supernatural Teen Tournament. You, Dear Reader, pitched in with some fantastic suggestions. We at AMCtv.com have processed these suggestions through our patented Fighter Filter™, and with that high-tech, very scientific tool, produced the sixteen contestants.
So, how does the Fighter Filter™ work? Well, I proudly take the cop-out of every “leading edge” and “industry standard” corporate salesman out there — it’s proprietary. That fancy-pants talk for “I can’t tell you.” What I can tell you is that the Fighter Filter™ produced a serious lineup, and here we go:
No. 16: River Tam ( Serenity )
Yeah, she was also the sixteenth seed for the Greatest Monster Hunter Tournament. Unfortunately, she ran headlong into the eventual champion, Buffy Summers. Summers, coincidentally, didn’t make this tourney, mostly because it had to be someone from a movie and not a TV show. But River has been featured in both formats, not to mention she has borderline supernatural telepathic abilities. What can you do with it this time, girl?
No. 15: Lydia ( Beetlejuice )
Is she supernatural? Well, she’s all kinds of Goth, so that gets her halfway there. She lives with the Ghost with the Most, and that gets her even closer, — close enough to warrant the fifteenth seed. Can Lydia’s experience shacking up with Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice translate into enough supernatural street cred to notch up a few wins?
No. 14: Ginger ( Ginger Snaps )
Dude, she’s a full-on hottie werewolf. In a land of supernatural teens rife with sappy, overly dramatic Sad Panda vampires, Ginger is in. If you haven’t seen Ginger Snaps, it’s a fantastic indie horror flick, definitely worth a queue-up in your Netflix. So with the fourteenth seed, we have it all: She’s supernatural, a teen — and deadly.
No. 13: Donnie Darko ( Donnie Darko )
hear the saying “that kid has issues?” Well, that kid is Donnie Darko.
You’d be messed up, too, if you were dealing with plummeting jet
engines, on-again/off-again psycho meds and some dude in a funky bunny
suit. It’s hard to even explain this movie — suffice to say, Donnie
could have an endless bag of tricks in that messed-up melon of his,
enough to do proper battle in this teenage showdown.
No. 12: Sean Crenshaw (The Monster Squad)
Sean supernatural? No. Does he whoop supernatural ass? Hell yes. He’s
in the frickin’ Monster Squad — you feel me on that? This is a
tournament filled with supernatural monsters, and here’s a teenager
who’s gone toe-to-toe with Dracula, the Wolfman, Frankenstein and
probably a bunch of also-rans Sean didn’t bother to put in the fine
print of his resume.
No. 11: Nancy Thompson ( A Nightmare on Elm Street )
many people have gone head-to-head with Freddy Kreuger and lived? Hint:
It’s not a big number. You don’t need a crib sheet from the geeky math
whiz to pass that pop quiz. Nancy is a Dream Warrior. ‘Nuff said, she’s
No. 10: Sarah Bailey ( The Craft )
welcome to your first day at Witch High School, USA. Meet Sarah Bailey,
witch-to-be, then witch-in-training. And you thought high school girls
were catty enough without supernatural powers? Aside from the
much-appreciated plethora of Goth schoolgirl outfits, there’s actually
a decent (if familiar) plot to this witchy coming-of-age flick. Sarah
can hold her own, and she’s a fighter to watch in this game.
No. 9: Melvin Ferd ( The Toxic Avenger )
I’ll admit it, we couldn’t confirm Melvin’s age. But come on — a
scrawny kid, bullied by his coworkers, who is pushed so far he comes
back as the Law Givah? He’s a janitor, a job you can get at eighteen.
So while we can’t confirm age, he’s the freakin’ Toxic Avenger. Big,
green, muscular, kills bad guys: Sold!
No. 8: Damien ( Damien: Omen II )
He was a kid in the first Omen,
but in the sequel that kid became a teenager. Who sends the damn son of
Satan to military school? People who don’t like military schools,
that’s who. Old Scratch Jr. is a dangerous foe, to say the least.
No. 7: David ( The Lost Boys )
The leader of the teenage vampire clan from The Lost Boys
is a bad mamma-jamma. It’s Kiefer Sutherland in his pre- “TELL ME WHERE
THE BOMB IS” days, but even back then he was a badass. A badass that
could fly, crush a skull with one hand, make you hallucinate and then
drink your blood. Let’s see Jack Bauer do that.
No. 6: Regan (The Exorcist)
head spins around, she crawls in a reverse crab, and she target-vomits
split-pea soup with more accuracy than a frat pledge in the final week
of hazing. Done deal.
No. 5: Scott Howard ( Teen Wolf )
has fur and makes dunks that would send Kobe back to the schoolyard for
more training. He’s a teenage werewolf, yo, and although he’s way more
campy than Ginger (see above), there’s no denying this Michael J. Fox
character hit the big screens hard.
No. 4: Hermione Granger (Harry Potter)
When it comes to supernatural teens, it’s hard to top the Harry Potter series. So much, in fact, J.K. Rowling’s little darlings have two
in the top four. You can probably guess the other contestant. And no,
you don’t get extra credit. Hermione is a powerful teenage witch, and
she’s got the skills to go far in this affair.
No. 3: Carrie White ( Carrie )
older and wiser than most of you, so here’s a little hint to make you a
happier, healthier person — don’t drop a bucket of pig’s blood on a
telepath with adolescent issues. It’s a bad call. The adaptation of
this classic Stephen King novel scared plenty, and Carrie has the
supernatural superpowers to take it all if the prom night lights line
up just so.
No. 2: Edward Cullen (Twilight)
Nothing like a dreamy teen vampire boy to set the female hearts aflutter. Stephanie Meyer’s supernatural phenomenon Twilight
series put Edward up on the big screen, and a million sighing teenage
girls validated the effort. The hottest horror movie, from the hottest
horror book, among a segment of the culture that lives online? This cat is primed to take the title, if only he can beat that other supernatural teen literary juggernaut …
No. 1: Harry Potter (Harry Potter)
Meyers has made an awfully big pile of cash from her Twilight
books. If she was to put all that money together and buy a house in
J.K. Rowling’s neighborhood, it would be a tiny, one-bedroom hovel. Who
am I kidding? Nothing is for sale in Rowling’s neighborhood, because
she bought the whole neighborhood, and the fifteen closest ones around
it. The books? The movies? Monster blockbuster smashes, one and all.
Harry is the kid to beat, and he’ll lay more than one smackdown with
that stylish wand.
Let’s Get It On!
We’ll be back
tomorrow with the first-round match-ups, allowing you to cast your
votes in this single-elimination battle. The prime fight? First seed
Harry Potter versus sixteenth seed River Tam. It’s Rowling’s minions
against the Wheedonites, so tune in to watch the fun! And remember, Round 1 closes on Tuesday, January 27 so get to it!
New York Times bestselling author Scott Sigler writes tales of hard-science horror, then gives them away as free audiobooks at www.scottsigler.com. His new novel, Contagious,
hit bookstores on December 30 and is currently available. If you don’t agree with what Scott says in this blog, please
email him firstname.lastname@example.org. Please include all relevant personal
information, such as your address and what times you are not home, so
Scott can come visit and show you his world famous “Chicken Scissors.”