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Stacie Ponder – The Future’s So Bleak, I Gotta Wear Crazy Eye Makeup

Stacie Ponder’s horror columns appear weekly in Monsterfest.

As an avid viewer of The Jetsons and Looney Tunes as a child, I was always excited about the things to come, like the “house of the future” where food would come in pill form and furniture could fold up and fit your pocket. Though I’m older now (not by a lot, however, thank you very much), I still get all my ideas about our lives to come from media. As a big horror and scifi junkie, I’ve seen many a dystopian future flick; they’ve vastly informed my world view and I gotta tell you — we may be headed for an apocalypse, but it won’t be all bad, I promise.

Did I scare you with all that talk about the “apocalypse”? Sorry, but you need to face up to it. Movies have taught me it’s definitely going to happen — though exactly what kind of apocalypse we’ll face is unclear as of yet. Will it be a virus that wipes out most of mankind, turning some into any variety of bad guys, forcing the remaining normal folk to fight for their very survival? According to movies such as Doomsday and I Am Legend… well, let’s just say you might want to stock up on gas masks, duct tape, and garbage bags now.

The Coming Robot Apocalypse
If it’s not some sort of pandemic that sends us all straight into Hell, then there’s a good chance we’ll all fall victim to (cue ominous music)… the robots. The Jetsons may have taught me that robots will be sassy and will clean my house, but The Terminator and Battlestar Galactica proved that robots hate me and will want to kill me. Who knows? Even Rosie the Robot will tire of her duties someday and want to rise up and kill me — the robot apocalypse is inevitable.

That is unless, of course, we humans beat them to it by polluting the planet and letting big corporations take over completely as in Wall*E, or if a major oil shortage brings on the end of days as society collapses, like in Mad Max. But you know, those scenarios are so left field that I don’t think we need to worry about them… a robot apocalypse seems much more likely.

Never fear, dear reader. Thanks to movies, we know what the post-apocalyptic future will be like; as knowing is at least half the battle, we can all face our new lives preparedly.

Post-apocalyptic Career Choices
For example, you might be
thinking, “Will I still have a job after the apocalypse?”, a viable
question. Money as we know it may be obsolete after the bomb drops (or
what have you, but it’s still a good idea to learn a trade that will
make you useful and will earn you items and favor from all of your
fellow survivors. Don’t worry — I’m not going to suggest that you
become a doctor — rather, I suggest you look into
the arcane arts of tattooing, hair styling, and makeup application.
After civilization is toast, people are going to need mohawks and
facial tattoos! Don’t tell me you’ve learned
nothing from Doomsday! As it relates, I also suggest investing now
in Manic Panic hair dye.

If you want to be creative but hair and makeup aren’t quite your
thing, consider a career in fashion design. Really, no one wants to
wear the same old boring jeans and T shirt — the key word, my friends, is leather — and lots of it. Leather pants,
leather jackets, boots, harnesses, thongs, you name it… so long as
it’s leathery and covered in buckles, it’ll be a huge hit on the
dystopian runway. Leather is the perfect material to don as you make
your way across a scorched flatland under a relentless sun in search of
a drop of gasoline — just ask Mad Max. Or if you don’t care
to wear leather yourself, then you simply must get some for your
gimp-sidekick. (Everyone in the future has a gimp-sidekick. Duh.)

As all cars of the dystopian future are pimped, it seems that
welding would also be a useful occupation. Whether you’re applying large
metal plates of armor over a Dodge Dart or adding chandeliers to the
grille for that touch of class, your skills will be in high demand.
(please: The Duke didn’t trick out that Cadillac himself in Escape From New York).
Add some nitro charges so that Dart can outrun a Ferrari! Paint it
black, put spikes on the front, and maybe a missile launcher somewhere.
No matter what you do when transforming that car into a Battletruck, however, do not
put in bulletproof glass. Nobody thinks to do that, ever, and you don’t
want to seem different from all the other apocalyptic body shop workers.

If all this manual labor has got you down, why not give business management a try? Open up your own arena — a Thunderdome, if you will. As we’ve seen in films such as Clash of the Warlords, World Gone Wild,
and pretty much every movie I’ve mentioned so far,
entertainment in the dystopian future will be derived from watching
people beat on each other. Make sure your Apocadome has one big throne
for the punk leader to sit in and watch the proceedings
with disdain (the crowds can stand as they cheer), and get yourself a
team of giant-sized weirdo gladiator-types wielding sharp and/or blunt
instruments who will do battle against unarmed, scrappy underdogs.
Despite the fact that the odds are heavily in their favor, your weirdos
are always going to lose, so ensure that you have a full,
rich roster of talent.

As you can see, our future is a bit of a “six of one, half a dozen
of the other” kind of deal. Sure, your loved ones will be wiped out by
a virus, or a group of sexy robots, but your career as a mohawk
specialist will flourish. You’ll be forced to eat dirt in order to
survive, but you’ll have your own gimp to go out and scavenge for said
dirt. And your junker might be boring to drive now, but after the
mushroom clouds dissipate, it’ll be tricked out all sweet-like. Thanks,
Hollywood — you’ve got me all excited for the end of the world!

sp.jpgA fan of horror movies and scary stuff, Stacie Ponder started her blog Final Girl so she’d have a platform from which she could tell everyone that, say, Friday the 13th, Part 2 rules. She leads a glamorous life, walking on the razor’s edge of danger and intrigue.

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