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What If the MPAA Rated My Bedroom?

I ran across this blog rating system that determines what movie rating your blog would have if it were rated by the MPAA. This got me thinking – what would my bedroom be like if I had to live according to the MPAA’s film ratings? I did some research and came up with a idea of what would be acceptable if I were living in a G, PG, PG-13, or R rated film.

Rated G
No nudity, sex, violence, alcohol, drugs, profanity or anything else that could be considered offensive. Birds and bunny rabbits occasionally burst into song and there’d be an over abundance of animated characters dancing in unison.

Rated PG

Sex and nudity are strictly prohibited, but violence is okay — so apparently I can’t touch my girlfriend’s breasts but I’m allowed to punch her in the throat. No smoking weed or drinking alcohol, and if there’s any drug paraphernalia within sight this bedroom will get bumped to an R rating. Profanity is off limits but murder is okay as long as it’s implied — no one can see the actual slaughter. I’ll be extra careful not to use any naughty words while I bury bodies in the backyard. Also, gay people are banned from coming over.

Rated PG-13

This is where things really get interesting. We still can’t have sex but apparently my girlfriend can show her breasts (although she has to hide her nipples –finally she’ll have an excuse to wear those pasties I bought her). I can briefly show my bare ass but she can’t — the MPAA thinks a woman’s ass implies sexuality while mine does not (I’ll concede mine is rather hairy, but come on…). If we have sex I’m only allowed a set number of ‘thrusts’ and I have to do it at a slow enough pace that it appears as if we’re excessively hugging rather than actually love making. I’m only allowed to say ‘fuck’ once (but not in a sexual context), and other words like ‘shit’ and ‘ass’ I can say a few times. Violence is still cool as long as it’s in moderation — I can still set someone on fire and then crane-kick them down a flight of stairs. No blood is allowed, so if I get shanked I’ll try and keep the spillage to a minimum. Decapitation is okay as long as there’s no blood, which is certainly doable with the right mixture of plastic trash bags and bungie cords. It’s kosher for me to beat someone to death with a shovel, but seeing a nipple is completely out of the question. Light nudity is strictly prohibited but ‘implied’ decapitation is totally cool. Makes sense, right?

Rated R

I can finally be nude! Oh wait, I can’t show my penis? Apparently if I show my penis it gets bumped to being NC-17. My girlfriend can show her lower bits, but only briefly and it has to be tasteful. Rape, murder, genocide, molestation, torture are all cool by the MPAA, but actual penetration is still out of the question and the stupid ‘number of thrusts’ rule is still in full effect. My sex life is ruined, but mass murder is A-OK!

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