In Season 2 Episode 3 of Small Town Security, Irwin attempts to capitalize on the staff’s new-found celebrity by auctioning off JJK Security swag. If you watched the episode and thought you could really use a genuine JJK mug or autographed poop stick, you’re in luck: the items are available once again on eBay. See below for a complete list of merchandise with descriptions (written by the show’s Brian Taylor) and their accompanying links on eBay. Be sure to bid quickly, as the auctions close Sat., Jun. 1 at 10PM/9c.
Second Edition Gently Used Poop Stick
“OH YEAH! Irwin is back at it again, bringing out a few new poop sticks. Irwin doesn’t just give poop sticks away willy-nilly — these rare sticks are set at a STRICT LIMIT of 5. The poop stick you’ll receive will look a wee bit different than the one pictured here. Irwin keeps his collection close to his vest — and I don’t like taking pictures of them either, if you know what I mean. Therefore, each winning bidder will be surprised to receive a uniquely shaped stick. The poop stick will be signed and numbered AND will come with a Certificate of Authenticity notarized by the Wicked Witch of Georgia herself, Joan Koplan. Oh, one last thing: this stick will be properly cleaned and disinfected upon arrival, so if you’re looking for one that hasn’t, feel free to dirty it up yourself. It’s a free country.” Bidding starts at $0.99.
Click here to bid on a 2nd Edition Gently Used Poop Stick
“Well hello there, ladies and gentlemen! Look at what we have here: lipstick ACTUALLY used by the Queen herself, Joan Koplan. I’m not joshing kids, this is the real deal. “Tiger” Joanie Scott used this puppy during some of the filming of Seasons 1 and 2 of Small Town Security, and she’s pretty much tired of it. I don’t know why, as it’s pretty nice-looking. As always here at JJK Security, you’ll get a sweet Certificate of Authenticity that you can show off to all your jealous friends.” Bidding starts at $4.99.
Click here to bid on Joan’s Lipstick
JJK Security Coffee Mug With Broken Handle
“You are looking at the last of our JJK Security mugs that we had made several years ago as gifts to our clients. We have ONE left, and wouldn’t you love to own it? Yeah, yeah, the handle is broken, but that only adds a majestic feature to an otherwise rare item. Legend has it that the handle was broken in a wild rage by Irwin while hearing Joan sing “Speecy Spicy Meatball.” He can no longer drink a hot beverage from it, but don’t let that stop you! This can easily be converted to a pen/pencil holder, possibly a serving dish for tiny bread sticks during a meal or even a container to hold your shaving cream as you dip your fancy badger hair shaving brush into it before a great shave. The possibilities are ENDLESS. This sweet item comes with a Certificate of Authenticity signed by the great Joan Koplan letting you know you’re getting the real deal.” Bidding starts at $4.99.
Click here to bid on the JJK Security Coffee Mug
Colorful JJK Security Writing Pens
“Back by popular demand, it’s the JJK Security Writing Pen! Five colors to choose from to match any office decor. We used to give these out to prospective clients, then the Internet and text messaging got in the way and made writing utensils somewhat obsolete. Tell us which color you fancy the most and it’s yours. If you’re a fan of the show and can tell us why you love us, we’ll throw in a second pen (your choice of color yet again) FREE. That’s how we roll here at JJK Security & Investigations. Yes, these pens write… why wouldn’t they?” Bidding starts at $3.99.
Click here to bid on a Colorful JJK Security Writing Pen
JJK Security Wall Clock
“Here we have an authentic JJK Security & Investigations wall clock being held by the magnificent Joan Koplan! Yes, both are easily mountable, but sorry men: Joan isn’t included in this bid. This elegant wall clock would look fantastic in your office or personal space. Studies have shown that having a JJK Security & Investigations item in your office increases productivity by 36%, so why not own a piece of hotness! It still works — just slap in a trusty AA battery and you’re good to go. This is a one of a kind item — no limited editions here.” Bidding starts at $9.99
Click here to bid on the JJK Security Wall Clock