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Hank’s Blog – There’s No Place Like Home

Hanks_Blog_Hedder.jpgOh man. Greetings from the Habitrail, Hamster Hank at your service. We’re, uh…
well, we’re on lockdown here. I can’t get into details, but my dazzling social life took a
big fat hit this week. No more club-hopping for the ol’ Hankster. Nope… I am officially
a homebody for the foreseeable future. I’m pretty sure it’s a bunch of bullshit, but I’ve
gotta be a good boy right now and stay in my playpen. I’ve got some people keeping an
eye on me. For my own protection. It’s nice to know they care.

My wife is losing her shit on an epic level, let me tell you. She’s always been a bit
high strung, God love her… but she has lost it now. She’s been under a lot of pressure,
and the current climate at our house means she’s basically hit critical mass. Here we are
in the shadow of Mount Vesuvius, just waiting for her to blow and wipe us off the map.
At least we can take comfort in the fact that we’ll leave creepy little “caught in the midst
of dying” statues for douche nozzle tourists to come fawn over. Better work on my best
tragic poses.

I get it, I know why she’s stressed out. I’m not Mr. Popularity in some circles. But
right now, this whole “precautionary measures” shit we’re dealing with… I think it’s a
load of crap. Some dillweed is just effing with us — stomping around, pissing all over his
territory. Gotta show us who’s boss, right? But hey, I get it… gotta stay safe. It’s not
like I’m getting out much these days anyway. As we all know, Hank leaves the house?
Hank gets the smack down. Might lose my arms next if I venture onto the mean streets
of Albuquerque.

Anyway, this allows me to spend some quality time with the family… while living
under the constant strain of impending doom. Ah, it just makes you feel so alive, you
know? Who’s up for Scrabble? Maybe a little gin rummy? No? Don’t worry… we’ve
got nothing but time.

Plus, my old pal Gomie’s here. What a treat, huh? I’ve been teaching him a little
about how to be a real cop. The little bugger tries, but he still needs some help every now
and then. He’s learning… slowly. Few more lessons, and he might be ready for big boy
cases. Give the little guy something to hope for… I’m kidding. It’s been a little while
since I’ve been able to bust his chops. It feels nice to be back in the saddle. You never
really know what you’ve got until it’s gone.

Also gives me a little Hank time to focus on my research. Get my files in order. You
know… make sure I’ve got all my minerals completely organized. Double check I’ve got
them all straight, all labeled correctly. Can never be too careful when it comes to
compiling all your research… that kind of thing. It’s easy to make a mistake. Label one
thing wrong here, another there. And then those little mistakes start to pile up and you’re
suddenly up shit creek sans the proverbial paddle. You lose all credibility among your

Well, this killed a few minutes. Back to the grind. Oh boy! Guess I’ll just go back
to running in my little wheel. Funny how much it feels like living in a zoo exhibit these
days. I guess I gotta have a sense of humor about it, or I’ll just go crazy. And right now,
Marie’s got crazy locked up for the both of us.

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