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Hank’s Blog – The Ship is Waiting


Fun fact, boys and girls — people are really good at hiding themselves most of the time. Sorry to blow your minds there by stating the screamingly obvious, but sometimes you forget that. Sometimes you’re going along, thinking this person in your life is exactly who they appear to be. And then, bam! They kick you in the balls with some crazy shit you’d never even guess about them. Secret love child. Random “Furries” fetish (don’t Google that, kids… trust me). Maybe a little coke problem. Whatever it is, you never see it coming.

Had the family over this week for dinner as part of the whole “getting out there” phase of my rehabilitation. Of course, since they came to us, the most “getting out there” I did was wheeling myself to the dinner table. Still, I’ll admit that it was a nice change of pace. Especially since my sister-in-law brought the food.

They also brought quite the story. My brother-in-law is a cagey guy sometimes, but man, I had no idea the kind of skeletons he had in his closet. No weirdo sex cults or anything, but surprising enough stuff. The guy’s got some secret skills. Now, I’ve always known he’s a nerd. Good guy, but definitely lives in his head a little too much. Guess that shit paid off. He’s been making money hand over fist playing cards. I was never a big math person, but damn… kinda wish I’d paid more attention in Mrs. Espinoza’s Algebra class in high school. Too bad I was busy getting laid. Hindsight.

That wasn’t the only surprise I got this week from my fellow man. That little project my friend put me on last week? Yeah, I may have underestimated its significance. It seems to be more than just “make work” for the Hankster. Looks like while I was off getting shot and dealing with the repercussions of said shittiness, the drug kingpin I was hunting was setting the world on fire with his awesome karaoke skills. Guess someone didn’t like his (actually pretty good) singing and took him out.

Yep, I think my blue meth mastermind is dead. Shot in the face. Isn’t that a bitch and a half? Best part of the find though is the karaoke tape included in the evidence packet. Laughed my ass off, especially considering this guy’s been keeping the methhead asstards of the great state of New Mexico in mind-shattering crystal for months. Dude’s a serious contender for Idol I think. He pretty much killed Peter Schilling’s “Major Tom.” I’m guessing the dude liked to travel, because this video looks courtesy of some cheesy tourist-trap karaoke booth by way of Thailand. (Well, I’m guessing Thailand based on the definitely not English subtitles.) You know those booths where behind you they green screen a bunch of random shit marginally related to the song you’re singing? Yeah — in this case, it’s mostly old footage of spaceships. Very cutting edge… for 1965. Well, it’s good to know he was spending his hard earned dope money on quality goods and services. It’s some epic shit, all right.

And the guy’s diary? Man, what a treasure trove that thing is. First of all, it looks like some overzealous metalhead 10th grader decorated the thing. Then it’s full of detailed meth recipes and lab notes, but also… the distracted ramblings of a hippie Libertarian vegan recumbent-biking madman. Thank God I’ve got a recipe for vegan s’mores in my life now. What does one need with vegan s’mores you ask? Hell if I know, but when the carnivore apocalypse hits, we’ll be partying with our s’mores over here at Casa Schrader.

You’d look at Major Tom here, and you’d think — nerd, puppy dog, lifelong virgin. You’d never think — meth kingpin of the Southwest. I guess even criminal masterminds need hobbies. Even really, really lame ones. And here I am… stewing in my own juices. Stuck in bed, nothing to do, and the biggest case of my life is off getting himself shot. Chaps my ass. I wanted to bust this guy, you know? I wanted to take this shitheel down.

Now that I see this video of him though, I’m not sure if I could have done it. It’d be like taking Old Yeller out back with the shotgun. But then, maybe the dude was really ruthless. Maybe if you screwed with this guy, he’d eat your face with a little vegan s’mores chaser. Or maybe this little nerdlinger got in too deep. He liked the science and the money until it all got away from him. Who knows? Just goes to show — you never really know someone.

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