Hello Internet! I figured I’d better write another post before you thought I forgot all about you.
I was reading an article about building “hits” on your blog, and apparently frequent entries “attract more traffic.” The article also recommended having distinct opinions or “a controversial point of view” about the world. That’s no trouble — I have a distinct opinion about a lot of things. For example:
1. Purple Is the Most Universally Flattering Color
I know purple isn’t too popular, but if you ask me, I think it’s all Miss Piggy’s fault. She ruined purple for everyone. Think about it. Who wants to wear the same color as a lady pig?
So I’ve decided it’s my mission in life to undo Miss Piggy’s campaign of terror and help people see how great purple is.
First of all, it’s a very soothing color. Seriously, scientists have done studies with brain waves and convicts and everything. Of course, I could have told them that, because I always feel a little calmer when I wear purple. I think that’s why it is the color of royalty, because if you’re the king and you could wear anything you want, wouldn’t you want to wear something calming?
(Except, I don’t think it always works, because I know Marie Antoinette must have worn a lot of purple and we know what happened to her. Whoops, head! But I bet you anything she was very relaxed when they took her to the guillotine.)
It’s also versatile — you can wear darker plum tones for evening, or cheerful lavenders for day! I am a medical professional, and I do not have time to dilly dally in the morning — my patients need me! With purple, you don’t have to agonize over your look for hours; just put together a few well-chosen basics, and voila! Instant style!
(Some people will tell you that purple doesn’t flatter them. Totally untrue! You just have to find the right shade.)
2. You Get What You Pay For
I know that everyone likes to save money, but I’m here to tell you, it’s a mistake to skimp on the important stuff.
OK, for example, shoes. I do not know why people buy cheap shoes. Do you not understand that you will have to walk in those shoes all day? Do you know what it does to the human foot to walk with inadequate arch support? I have a pamphlet about bunions — those pictures would make your blood run cold.
Take care of your feet and they will take care of you. Actually, that reminds me of another important point:
3. Nail Trimming Should Be Conducted in Private
I’m a little embarrassed to mention it, but just this week I walked past a man standing over a planter IN A LOBBY, trimming his nails. So clearly it’s high time someone said, once and for all: Trim your nails in private, people!
And by private, I mean, in your own bathroom, with the door shut and the shower running so that your wife cannot hear the nasty CLICK! CLICK! of your nail clippers.
(Hank, it would be even better if you did not always come out and demand that I “look at the size of that sucker,” but I know better than to hope for miracles.)Read More