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Hank’s Blog – When Morons Collide


I gotta tell you guys, there are some dumb criminals out there. You can find tons of epic idiocy online — criminals shooting themselves pulling their guns out, leaving their wallets at crime scenes, even getting themselves killed through their own numbskullery. And these guys are always utterly stupefied that their feeble plans have failed them. It’s hilarious. Seriously, do yourselves a favor and Google that shit.

That said, what I saw the other night — man, this takes the cake. Let me just paint a picture: You got a big guy and a little guy. They’re your standard scumbag enforcers for the archduke of scumbags — a sociopathic, craven, meth head piece of crap drug dealer who shall, for ongoing investigation-related reasons, remain nameless (but it rhymes with Yuco). Trust me, he’s a bad dude, and I’ve been wanting to nail his psychotic ass for ages. I am salivating at the prospect, just waiting for the day he makes that one mistake that’ll put him away.

Guess what? That day has come, my friends. That day has come.

The big guy and the little guy just turned up dead in a junkyard. Now, I don’t know exactly what happened here, and honestly, I don’t really care. The little guy’d been, to put it mildly, beaten to death, most likely by El Jefe. Maybe he was stealing from the stash or diddling his boss’ skank girlfriend (one of them anyway). Maybe he just looked at our miscreant drug lord here a little funny. I don’t give a crap. All I care about is the big fat bloody thumbprint we found on his body. And guess who it belongs to? Oh yeah, that is what I’m talking about.

Anyway, on to the funny part: Again, I don’t know the details here — I mean, I ain’t C.S.I. But it seems that the big guy was stashing his little friend under this huge pile of junk cars — or maybe he was taking him out from under them. Whatever, doesn’t matter. This pile of cars is high, and not exactly what you’d call stable. Numb nuts, graceful schmuck that he is, managed to bring this entire steel factory down on his arm. Crushed it clean off, and the dummy bled to death! How priceless is that?

Can’t say I’m sad to see these two paragons of intellect go, but there are more dignified ends. Course, they did me a favor. I can nail their fair leader thanks to their ill-advised lifestyle choices. Now I just gotta find this prick and close the book on him. Can’t wait to see the look on his face when the Hankster takes him down.

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