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What We Learned at the Movies in 2011

Film critics dabble in opinion. It’s our nature. We tell you what we like and what we don’t (and we thank you, dear reader, for validating our opinions). But even we’re surprised as interesting facts jump out at us throughout the year, things we never might have known if not for the informative screenplays put together by Hollywood’s creative community. Here are some of the lessons we learned at the movies in 2011. Do with this newfound knowledge what you will.

Werewolves are attracted to vampire babies. (The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1)

The moon is crawling with parasites that look like rocks. (Apollo 18

If you’re a fat, out-of-shape nerd and the school’s dynamite blonde has a locker next to yours, just wait. A miraculous opportunity may come to you. (Young Adult
Puppets can make for great therapists. (The Beaver
In Hawaii, there is no occasion so serious you can’t wear a short-sleeved, flowered shirt to it. (The Descendants
Running in flip-flops is no easy feat.
 (The Descendants
If you find yourself sliding down the outside of a skyscraper that has been cut in half and is crumbling to the ground, just shoot the glass. You’ll land safely on an interior floor. (Transformers: Dark of the Moon
It doesn’t take much to fool Dubliners. (Albert Nobbs
There’s nothing worse than having chalk powder tossed in your face while you’re trying to do a flip on the high beam. (Final Destination 5
Senior citizens in nursing homes can put up quite a fight. (The Debt
The modern cannon was invented by a peacock. (Kung Fu Panda 2)
Bathroom stalls at your office are perfect for midday masturbation. (Shame
In the world of high finance and Wall Street, when the market goes against you and your stock becomes worthless, lying, misrepresenting, and cheating your shareholders is the honorable thing to do. (Margin Call
For all his many faults, J. Edgar Hoover was the first person to recognize the value of fingerprints in nabbing criminals. (J. Edgar
One car cannot pull a safe through downtown Rio De Janeiro. Two cars can. (Fast Five)
You can’t use the lavatory while the train is in the station. (Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows
If you’re not the hero of the film, it’ll take only one punch or slash of a sword to take you out. (13 Assassins and Warrior
Pacers and Gremlins have feelings, too. (Cars 2
Dragons let you ride on their backs. When you are ready to de-plane the winged beast, simply slide off into a body of water. (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2)
When in doubt, assume everyone is a mole. (Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy
Repeat after us: Chimpanzees are not human. (Project Nim and Rise of the Planet of the Apes)
Never date a girl who can beat you in a cricket-eating contest. (Bellflower
A monkey will try to eat anything. (The Hangover Part II
Chupacabra was a cat. (Puss in Boots
Bridal boutiques only have one ladies’ room. (Bridesmaids)   
Bat + Banana + Pig = Disaster. (Contagion
If you can’t find your keys, it might be because a dude from Mad Men hid them. (The Adjustment Bureau
Men go gaga for women swaying back and forth, fully clothed. (Sucker Punch
Beautiful people have it better. (Beastly
Sleeping gas can knock you out for 11 days, with no ill effects when you awaken. (The Green Hornet
If a vampire moves in next door, you do not want to invite him in for a friendly beer. Also, a vampire doesn’t need an invitation if there isn’t any house left. (Fright Night)

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