Easter is on its way, and for many of us that calls up memories of being a small child, happily waiting for the Easter bunny to arrive with his basket of treats, which we would then consume in a massive gulp, all the better to spend the day heavily wired on sugar. Good times, good times. At least until the sugar crash and stomachache at around 4 p.m. But in the meantime: woo-hoo! Candy!
But let’s suppose, just for the fun of it, that one year our friend the Easter bunny found himself indisposed on the big day and was unable to perform his annual task of delivering Easter baskets to eager children. Who could take his place? Or, perhaps more to the point, what could take his place? As it happens, science-fiction film offers a lot of potential candidates for a replacement Easter creature. Let’s look at some of them now.
Ewoks, Return of the Jedi
Pluses: Cuddly and furry like the Easter bunny; mastery of ropes and vertical environments makes them adept at delivering things in today’s increasingly urban world; postdelivery party will be full of song and magically appearing dead Jedis.
Minuses: Ewok-delivered Easter baskets likely to be snatched by obsessive-compulsive Star Wars nerds who will rationalize their theft by pointing out that the kids will try to consume their treats, thereby decreasing the baskets’ values; George Lucas will digitally redo Easter to make it look like Han ate the chocolate bunny ears first.
Easter-Bunny-Replacement Rating: Three eggs (out of five)
Vulcans, Star Trek
Pluses: This highly logical race will have no problem computing the best route to most efficiently deliver Easter treats over the course of one day; their pointy ears will remind children of elves, which are magical creatures, just like the Easter bunny; if unruly children or dogs interrupt the delivery, the Vulcan nerve pinch will come in handy.
Minuses: Vulcans most likely to point out to children that there is no logical reason for a rabbit to be delivering either eggs or candy, thereby ruining the idea of the Easter bunny for everyone; unlikely to be comforting when children, upon being informed of these facts, break down in wee sobs; probably best not to let them talk about Santa Claus either.
Easter-Bunny-Replacement Rating: Two eggs Aliens, Alien
Pluses: Move quickly and stealthily, which makes them perfect for the job of getting in and out of houses with Easter baskets; already have experience
presenting humans with eggs.
Minuses: Children are supposed to eat the eggs, not the other way around.
Easter-Bunny-Replacement Rating: No eggs
Pluses: Easter eggs and candy likely to transform into cars and planes and tanks and such, delighting children of all ages.
Minuses: Easter baskets likely to explode for no reason; small chance an Easter basket will be delivered not by a Transformer but a slumming John Turturro, wearing bunny ears and a hangdog expression that implies he
really knows better.
Easter-Bunny-Replacement Rating: Two eggs
Terminators, The Terminator
Pluses: Can’t be bargained or reasoned with; don’t feel pity, remorse, or fear; absolutely will not stop, ever, until all the Easter baskets are delivered; the T-1000 model is particularly good at delivering
Easter baskets to hard-to-reach places.
Minuses: That whole, you know, “kill all the humans” thing.
Easter-Bunny-Replacement Rating: One egg
The Matrix, The Matrix
Pluses: Is already everywhere, which if you think about it makes Easter-basket delivery really easy; the virtual nature of the baskets means the Matrix can fill them with the most expensive and delicious candies imaginable; and, heck, if it really wanted to, the Matrix could make every day Easter, which should make candy-hungry children seize with joy.
Minuses: You’re enslaved to a computer system using you as a battery, putting your sugar rush into disturbing perspective; if you escape, you have to live in Zion, where the Easter baskets are filled with synthesized protein goop.
Easter-Bunny-Replacement Rating: One egg
Pluses: Fairly adorable, in a robotic sort of way; general good nature and
consistent work ethic in line with Easter-delivery gig; guaranteed not
to get hungry and snack on the baskets.
Minuses: It’s a garbage compactor, and its best friend is a cockroach, raising nontrivial issues regarding cleanliness; when panicked, may crush the Easter baskets into cubes.
Easter-Bunny-Replacement Rating: Three eggs
Hmmm. On second thought, maybe it’s best just to stick with the bunny.Read More