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What We Learned at the Movies in 2010

When huddled in darkened movie theaters across the country, the FilmCritic.com staff pays close attention to an actor’s range, a director’s eye, an editor’s subtle touch, and a composer’s ability to enhance a scene with the right musical cue. But we’re also paying attention to life lessons that might fly over the heads of regular filmgoers. What did we learn while watching all of those movies last year? We’ll tell you.

• You can disable a security camera with a fire extinguisher or a pair of panties. (Salt)

• There were ostriches in ancient Persia. (Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time)

• A mouthful of marbles does not cure stuttering. (The King’s Speech)

• Johnny Carson never forgave Joan Rivers for leaving The Tonight Show. (Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work)

• Never get involved with a ballet dancer, especially if she lives with her mom. (Black Swan)

• Make sure you’re alone before you touch yourself. (Black Swan)

• Don’t piss off Mark Zuckerberg. Ever. (The Social Network)

• 22,000 hits in a couple of hours will crash the Harvard computer network. (The Social Network)

• Rooms at the Chateau Marmont come with fully equipped kitchens. (Somewhere)

• Vegans are just better than the rest of us. (Scott Pilgrim vs. the World)

• When in doubt, drive your van into the river. (Inception)

• Sometimes lesbian couples use guy-on-guy porn to add a spark to their lovemaking. (The Kids Are All Right)

• If you give a little semen to a sperm bank, you might get laid — if you’re patient. (The Kids Are All Right)

• Want to reduce temperatures? Paint roofs and streets white. (Cool It)

• Derek Jeter is a biracial angel. (The Other Guys)

• Never buy a cheap Chinese multi-tool. (127 Hours)

• Always leave a note telling people where you are going. (127 Hours)

• Santa’s elves are actually emaciated naked old men. (Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale)

• The world of computer apps as most of us know it isn’t created by ingenious flesh-and-blood programmers but in a digital cyberuniverse that can’t stand analog users. (Tron: Legacy)

• Horror and sci-fi conventions are teeming with gingivitis. (Best Worst Movie)

• Even the most ethical scientists can’t resist sex with a teen mutant. (Splice)

• After hunting squirrels, the first obvious question is, Fried or stewed? (Winter’s Bone)

• In the 1870s, U.S. marshals and Texas Rangers fiercely competed to capture and kill outlaws. (True Grit)

• Cowboys do not use contractions. (True Grit)

• Dumb people will rationalize away a mysteriously slamming door every time. (Paranormal Activity 2)

• Sumo wrestling is fixed. (Freakonomics)

• Illegal immigrants are stockpiling machine guns and fomenting armed revolution. (Machete)

• Toddlers are brutal malicious little monsters. (Toy Story 3)

What did you learn? Be sure to let us know.

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