Time for our second round of Monsters I’d Like to…, which showcases the evil and not-so-evil monstrosities from our favorite films — specifically, those monster hotties that somehow manage to get you in the mood. When I ran this column the first time, I encouraged people to send me their picks for MILFs that I missed. I received multiple suggestions for MILF-a-licious ladies, most of which are featured below. (Thank you, dear readers.)
As for the men, I had a little trouble this time out. For starters, take my word for the following: if you want to see who the Internet thinks are the hottest male monsters, do not search for “hottest monster dudes.” Trust me, you aren’t prepared for that set of results. Without further ado, read on for the second round of monsters who get my pulse racing.
“Honey, you got real ugly” is one of the most classic lines in all of horror cinema. That bit of dialogue referred to Davidtz after her transformation to the queen of the Undead army. But before and after that transformation, Embeth has it goin’ on. A touch of evil, anyone?
Now don’t start croaking off that Edward isn’t a monster. Dude has blades for hands! Sure, he can cut a killer coiffure, but if he got pissed? You’d be missing a few ears and, possibly, a nose. Still, this willowy heartthrob cuts quite a figure in his crazy fetish getup. This one is primarily for the S&M community, a group whose preferences are so often overlooked.
Unlike most of the world, I thought this movie was a clever attempt at something fun and new in horror. It didn’t take itself too seriously, had some great dark humor, and it had Fox as a demonic high-school tramp. Sure, she’s the target of mockery from Chelsea Handler and many others — but in Jennifer’s Body? Hot like crazy.
Is it the sexy plastic-tube hair? Yeah, I think it’s the sexy plastic-tube hair. Argue if you wish, but that is one hot latex-clad dominatrix. Assimilate me, please!
Count Dracula (Christopher Lee), Dracula
Let’s hear it for Hammer films and the dashing, dark-eyed vamp that rekindled the world’s love affair with cinematic bloodsuckers. Word on the street is that Lee could just stare at a chick and make her toss her panties onto the proverbial stage.
Show me a hot-body monster that is buck naked through an entire movie, and I’ll show you a MILF. What’s that? May is buck naked through all of Lifeforce? I believe I’ve made my point.
Let this be a lesson to all young men: if you want to woo a girl, pretending to be a vampire and sneaking up on her at a campfire outing is generally a bad idea. And pretending to be a vampire when your target turns out to be a werewolf that will eat your face? Even worse idea.
That’s Chaske Spencer, Bronson Pelletier, Alex Meraz, Kiowa Gordon, and Tyson Houseman to you. Last time we did MILFs, we went with the oh-so-obvious choice of Taylor Lautner. Now, I admit, I still haven’t seen this flick. I don’t think I need to see it, because I saw the trailer — God knows how many times I saw that trailer — and these wolf-boys are ripped up like the “after” pics in an Internet ad for a “ragin’ bod in two weeks.” This one’s a total no-brainer.
Q: What’s ten feet tall and haunts the dreams of sci-fi fanboys everywhere?
A: That blue monster chick from Avatar.
I remember, when I was a kid, that Smurfs were cute and controllable — you could squash three with a single stomp of your Doc Martens. Now? They’re huge, shoot things with arrows, ride dragonish lizards, and snarl real sexy when threatened.
And there you have it, dear reader: nine or so — if you count the Wolfpack, it’s more like fourteen — MILFs for your consideration. Til next time.