You think you know what a MILF is? Lay off the Internet porn, my friend. This is a horror column and we’re talking about monsters I’d like to…well, you know. No offense to mothers everywhere — they truly are the glue that holds society together — but there are some grade-A pieces of monster tail out there that simply must be celebrated.
A few notes: first of all, zombies are basically out. You might want to jump the bones of a megasmokin’ vamp, but I doubt many of us are ready to throw down someone who is a walking boil. Second, don’t bother complaining about how vampire heavy this list is. The whole genre is about suppressed sexuality (something that Stephanie Myers reconnected with in a big way, all you Twilight haters). Without further ado, here’s five girlie MILFs and five guy MILFs (here’s to equal representation!) that make horror hard-core. This list is far from exhaustive, and you can bet there will be a sequel to this column, now that I’ve got the topic on the brain.
Blade (Wesley Snipes), Blade
Who’s half-vampire and all badass? Blade, baby, that’s who. With the tricked-out trench coat, the shades, the sword, and the superslick moves, Snipes pulls off a sexiness usually reserved only for the full vamps. He’ll put a piece of steel through your nasty, undead heart, then, while you disintegrate, he’ll turn his head and look the other way, just to show how cold he can be. Hot!
Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner), The Twilight Saga: New Moon
Note to self: if you want to become a werewolf, spend time in the gym. A lot of time. This kid got so ripped for the part that even air was afraid of him and he walked around in a little vacuum. Before this sequel came out, odds were against any would-be successors to the Robert Pattinson throne. Afterward? Let’s just say a lot of Team Edward baby-doll tees found their way into the trash.
David (Kiefer Sutherland), The Lost Boys
This tidbit may betray my advancing years, but I was able to see The Lost Boys in theaters the year it came out. With all due respect to Cory Haim (rest in peace, buddy), it was Kiefer who called forth semi-silent sighs of pure lust every time he and his fangs appeared onscreen. His co-star Jason Patric wasn’t bad, but you can’t beat this evil nemesis for sheer bad-boy charm.
Grendel’s Mother (Angelina Jolie), Beowulf
There’s really no way around this one. CGI or no CGI, that has to be the hottest demon-dragon mother to ever grace the silver screen. As a former D&D player (yes, I admit it, I wear my nerd roots proudly on my sleeve), I can only imagine tackling a monster such as this. I’d like to get at her twenty-sided die.
Nancy Downs (Fairuza Balk), The Craft
Come on, what straight guy out there doesn’t have a thing for schoolgirl witches? Based on my sample set of one (me), I say it’s all of us. Lordy! Fairuza made the screen ripple with her withering, nasty glares. Evil eyes, killer lips: rarely has evil looked so dang lovely.
Satanico Pandemonium (Selma Hayek), From Dusk Till Dawn
Uh-oh, I forgot what I was going to say. That’s basically the reaction that I — and about 100 million other people — had when Selma did her crazy table dance in this Robert Rodriguez flick. Jiminy! This monster snake-dancer takes the striptease to a new level. Watch out, people: if she gets your blood pumping, that was kind of her intention in the first place.
Selene (Kate Beckinsale), Underworld
Kate is one of the hottest things on the burner even before makeup artists do a shred of work on her, okay? Take that natural hotness, throw it in a tight leather bodysuit, and then strap her with a pair of death-dealing gats. Beckinsale’s not just hot: she whips butts left and right, kills vamps and werewolves alike, and always has her hair just so when she does it. MILF-a-licious!
Sil (Natasha Henstridge), Species
Take an Über-hot supermodel, throw her in a movie with only a few lines (so acting isn’t a major concern), then have the FX dudes go to work and turn her into a horned-up killing machine, and boom — instant MILF. Have you seen her in Species? Crazy hot. And her CGI double gets blown up tidily — another plus in the Henstridge column.
Warlock (Julian Sands), Warlock
Going into the way-back machine for this one: a 1989 ditty in which a seventeenth-century hell-raiser is transported forward in time, to the modern age. Sands is the charming witch of eastern Europe, and he channels old-country evil with a devlish smile, dental-dream teeth, and his patented Blond Hair of Doom.
Spike (James Marsters), Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Okay, so Spike wasn’t technically in any movies. It’s just that Buffy resonates in such a big way with the horror community that it’s hard to imagine not including the show’s resident hottie on this list. For horror girls that like guys (and horror guys that like guys), Spike from Buffy is way up on the list. Spike has that ne’er-do-well image down so bad he should be rolling along with Snoop and popping cross-shaped wooden caps in the asses of evildoers everywhere.
Whom did I miss? This is your chance to rave up your favorite hottie monster! Just list him or her in the comments below.Read More