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Mary Robinette Kowal – Single Hero Seeking Sidekick? Look No Further


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It’s not easy being a hero on a quest. In addition to battling demons (inner or outer) and ya know, being heroic, there’s all the piddly details of questing. Who wants to think about the practicalities when there are deeds to be done! Maidens to rescue! Dragons to defeat! That’s why the truly savvy never venture out without a sidekick. Are you in the market for a loyal henchman? Check out the fantasy classifieds to find your perfect partner in quest.

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SWM – Thorough familiarity with the jails and underground of Aquila. No combat skills, but good at skulking, stealing, and stealth. Very discrete. Can be trusted not to take advantage of cursed state. Works well under pressure, though needs assistance when cornered. Recently completed adventure in the forests around Abruzzo.
Referral: Captain Navarre of Aquila
Ask for: Mouse of Ladyhawke

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SDM – Loyal and true. Extremely good at video games providing strong hand and eye coordination. Fearsome appearance can be powerful deterrent. Good at spotting dangers others may overlook. Natural green coloring offers camouflage and plastic skin is stain resistant. Recently infiltrated The Toy Barn and removed kidnapped operative. Warning: Startles easily and suffers from inferiority complex.
Referral: Woody the Cowboy
Ask for: Rex of Toy Story

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SGM – Of extraordinarily large size; mere presence can be enough to make opponents drop their weapons. Combat skills include wrestling, bar brawls, and group melees. Works best in a team environment and enjoys word games. Last action, participated in overthrow of Prince Humperdinck and retrieval of hostage.
Referral: The Dread Pirate Roberts
Ask for: Fezzik the Giant of The Princess Bride

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SFF – Fearless and nimble, comes with own set of wings. Can lend power of flight to others upon request. Fiercely loyal, but expects same of others. Small size is good for spying and fitting into tight locations. Experience includes navigation, defense against pirates and hostage negotiation.
Referral: Peter Pan
Ask for: Tinkerbell of Peter Pan

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S?M – Able to transform into any creature (from ferret to leopard to dragon) at will and to express your moods. Need flight? No problem. How about stealth? Got that too. Ready with moral support and unmitigated affection. Good over the long haul, in dark spaces, or heights.
Referral: Lyra Belacqua
Ask for: Pantalaimon of The Golden Compass

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MWM – Offers intellectual stimulation in the poorest of circumstances as well as support, comfort, cheer and good humor in dark times. Doesn’t eat much and needs very few resources. Adept at raising youngsters with strong virtue and morality. Fares better with adventures that are AARP-compliant or are at least on level ground.
Referral: Charlie Buckett
Ask for: Grandpa Joe of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

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WIM – Prefers working in a team environment. Hyper-intelligent with an encyclopedic memory of the occult. Good at marksmanship; has psychic powers and the ability to breathe underwater. Can receive electro-psychic impulses but is better off leaving spatial relationship puzzles to others. Experience includes fighting golden armies, demons and other large monsters.
Referral: Hellboy
Ask for: Abe Sapien of Hellboy

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SWF – Fiercely intelligent with a near encyclopedic knowledge of spells, potions and wizarding history. Willing to help battle evil and face forces of infinite darkness, if school schedule permits. Enjoys team environment but has low patience with inefficiency. Excellent marks in: Defense Against the Dark Arts, Potions, Time Travel, Spells (both verbal and non-verbal).
Referral: Harry Potter
Ask for: Hermione Granger of Harry Potter

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MDM – Gifted with loyalty, faithfulness, fidelity, and commitment. Will not be dissuaded from faithful companionship by mere words, actions or deeds. Promises to stick by, no matter what. Prefers situations that avoid heights, danger, threats, combat and all scary things. Enjoys waffles.
Referral: Shrek
Ask for: Donkey of Shrek

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SHM – Extremely loyal and willing to travel across Middle Earth to demonstrate it. Will stand by you when everyone else has left, and even carry you and your burden should you prove unequal to the task. Limited combat skills and suggests prudence rather than confrontation. Good at cooking with limited camp rations.
Referral: Mr. Frodo Baggins
Ask for: Samwise Gamgee of The Lord of the Rings

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Mary Robinette Kowal is the winner of the 2008 John W. Campbell Award for Best New Writer and a professional puppeteer. Her first novel Shades of Milk and Honey is being published by Tor in 2010.

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