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Scott Sigler – Confectionery Killers Serve the Sweet Taste of Death

I’ve often walked out of the theater after seeing a horror flick and had a friend ask what I thought. If it was good, I usually reply, “That movie was frickin’ sweet.” But while many horror movies are sweet, few are actually about sweets. For the edification of good citizens everywhere, I’ve gathered some of these influential films into a list. Behold: I give you movies that star confectionery killers.

The Gingerdead Man
(2005; watch the trailer)
What list of sweets-related horror flicks (and I’m sure there are many) would be complete without this phenomenal Gary Busey effort? In this cult classic, Gary voices a pissed-off, psychotic gingerbread cookie. No, I’m not making this up. But if I had been the guy who made it up, I would die a happy man.

Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust (2008; watch the trailer)

What could be better than Gary Busey as a murdering gingerbread cookie? Only one thing: More Gary Busey as a murdering gingerbread cookie. I won’t bother to get into the plot. What, you were expecting the Citizen Kane of horror? Come on, dude, put down the bong and get a grip. Killer cookies! Gary Busey! There should be fireworks every time this movie is screened. And a parade.

Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver (rumored for a late-2009 release)
If there is a creator in the universe, I implore him or her: Please, please let this be true!

We All Scream for Ice Cream (2007; watch the trailer)
Clowns are scary. No way around it. We’ve discussed this topic in the past, but here’s a little gem I missed until now. Years after Buster, the friendly neighborhood ice-cream man (who dresses like a pedophiliac clown — and, yes, I know there’s no other kind), is killed in a wacky prank gone wrong, he returns to wreak havoc upon the kids who killed him, now adults with kids of their own. The killer clown passes out ice-cream bars with special powers to melt heads, create bloody messes, and much, much more. There’s a whole lot of Freddy Krueger meets Stephen King’s It packed into this 60-minute made-for-cable episode of the Masters of Horror series. Oh, and on a 10-point scale of gross, this one is a 12.5.

Ice Cream Man (1995; watch the trailer)
This one simply defies description. OK, that’s a load of bull, because the description is that it’s about a psycho ice-cream man. As bad as that sounds, the movie’s saving grace is that it provides a rare starring role for the made-of-awesome Clint Howard. Of all the movies in which you can see a severed human head served in a tall waffle cone, this one’s the best.

Chocolate (2005; watch the trailer)
Another Masters of Horror episode, but it hooks you with some deliciously enigmatic dialogue: “Chocolate. I just kept tasting someone else’s chocolate.” What does that mean, exactly? I can’t tell you, but that tasty scrap of scriptwriting holds you captive as the tale starts to unfold. Directed by Mick Garris (Riding the Bullet, Desperation), it’s a classy little hors d’oeuvre that fits nicely into your Netflix queue.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Candyman series (1992-1999): I know, I know: it’s got the word “candy” in the title. That doesn’t mean sweets are part of the plot. If it did, Sammy Davis Jr. would have been bigger than Freddy.

Blood and Chocolate (2007): It’s a movie about a teenage girl trying to deal with being a werewolf. She works in a candy shop. Not quite good enough.

Ginger Snaps (2000): It’s a movie about a teenage girl trying to deal with being a werewolf. Her name is Ginger, and she snaps. Not quite good enough.

Death Is Like a Box of Chocolates
Next time you have the munchies and you’re in the mood for a bloody flick, why not kill two birds with one chunk of rock candy? There’s nothing quite like eating a big plate of gingerbread cookies while you watch the gore spatter. Now would someone please cue the fireworks?

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New York Times best-selling author Scott Sigler writes tales of hard-science horror, then gives them away as free audiobooks, at www.scottsigler.com. His novel Infected was named Borders’s number one mystery, thriller, and horror book for 2008. His latest hardcover, Contagious, is in stores now. If you don’t agree with what Scott says on this blog, post a note in the comments section below. Please include all relevant personal information, such as your address and what times you are not home, so Scott can come visit and show you his world-famous Chicken Scissors.

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