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The Good, The Bad and The Scary – June 1, 2009

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Does Hollywood just not get the point of horror movies? They buy scripts about serial killers and demonic infestation, then push and push the filmmakers for PG-13 rated cuts. Sure, that makes good economic sense: The biggest potential audience for a horror flick is, after all, teenagers. But we go to them for blood and guts. And, of course, nudity. Well, it looks like we might just get what we want this week…


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The Good
Rank Movie
1 nightmare-on-elm-street-freddy-headshot-small-75x75.jpg A Nightmare on Elm Street
The casting call is out and actresses are wanted — must be willing to appear topless. Part of me just cringes, but it does mean one good thing: The remake will be rated R, so it might even be scary.
2 dead-snow75x75.jpg Dead Snow
The Norwegian Nazi Zombies vs. Ski Bunnies movie is finally coming to the U.S., thanks to IFC. It opens in theaters June 19, then quickly goes to TV. Pardon me while I giggle delightedly in a corner for a while.
3 DragMeToHell75x75.jpg Drag Me to Hell
I thought the trailer looked silly. You said it was Sam Raimi, so give it a break. Well, we were both right. Reviews say it’s an utterly dumb, light-on-plot splatterfest with a bunch of honest scares. Cool.
4 halloween-75x75.jpg H2
The first clip for Rob Zombie’s remake is up and it’s pure horror adrenaline as Michael Myers stalks Laurie Strode through a rain storm. Zombie also says it has zero to do with Halloween II, so all bets are off.
5 final_destination3d75x75.jpg The Final Destination
Its August release date, at the end of the summer season, means one of two things: Either they think it’s good enough to compete with the blockbusters, or they don’t want to go up against H2 and Saw VI  in October.

After all that good news, what could possibly go wrong? Read on.


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The Bad
Rank Movie
-1 sororityrow-75x75.jpg Sorority Row
This otherwise average slasher gets an R for “strong bloody violence, language, some sexuality/nudity and some partying.” Would more partying have warranted an NC-17? Push that envelope, Hollywood.
-2 antichrist75x75.jpg Antichrist
I’m not even sure where to put this one. It was booed at Cannes, but star Charlotte Gainsbourg won the fest’s Best Actress award. Early reviews read like a comp-lit dissertations. It ‘s a spiritual journey of grief, loss and bloody ejaculations. I need a nap.
-3 buffy-the-vampire-slayer-75x75.jpg Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Buffy needs a relaunch why? Especially minus Joss Whedon… oh, right, Fran Rubel Kuzui, who directed the original movie, still owns the rights. Let’s be charitable and assume she has a mortgage to pay. Or not.
-4 saw75x75.jpg Saw VI
Apparently regularly shoving grotesque violence down people’s throats desensitizes them. Who knew? The answer: more gore, even nastier traps. But all “in service to the story,” says the director. There’s a story?
-5 alien75x75.jpg Alien
I so love being lied to. First Ridley Scott was going to remake his own classic. Now he’s just one of a list of producers. What’s betting he doesn’t even visit the set during production? Another movie, another paycheck.

Jeez…I want to lie down somewhere quiet and think about unicorns and rainbows until half these movies go away. Don’t bother me, I’ll be in my trailer.

David Wellington is a horror novelist whose latest book is Vampire Zero. He lives in New York City with his wife Elisabeth and his dog Mary, named after Mary Shelley, the author of Frankenstein.

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