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Horror Brides Tournament – Round One Recap


As first-round theatrics go, these drama queens didn’t deliver much. Seven of the eight higher-seeded ladies of horror moved on to the second round — no shockers there — with just one upset spicing up the orchestrated plotlines. But things are bound to heat up in Round Two: Just take a gander at the upcoming bridal battles:

The Bride of Frankenstein, our No.1 seed, didn’t even break a sweat while drubbing Hazel Court (No. 16) of The Premature Burial (“Premature what?” you say… “Exactly,” I reply). But the Bride’s days of setting the treadmill at 2.0 and telling her friends she “worked out really hard” are over: This time around the Grande Dame of horror goes head to head with two hotties — Kim Cattrall and Suzee Pai from Big Trouble in Little China. Kim and Suzee are seeded No. 8, and scored a solid win over The Bride’s Jennifer Beals.

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Moving down the ticket, The Corpse Bride won a High Noon-style showdown against B-movie legend Gloria Talbott, who entered the tourney by do-si-do-ing through a rare horror outing, the classic I Married a Monster From Outer Space. Our favorite stop-motion dead girl faces a fellow non-human foe in the Bride of Chucky. Chucky’s sweetheart (helium-voiced Jennifer Tilly), walloped platinum-tressed screen queen Barbara Payton in jungle fever sub-classic Bride of the Gorilla.

Susan Sarandon (No. 2) skated into the second round for her portrayal of Janet Weiss in The Rocky Horror Picture Show by trouncing Brides of Dracula‘s Yvonne Monlaur. The toucha-toucha-touch me songstress faces tough second-round competition in So I Married an Axe Murderer‘s Mrs X (Nancy Travis); he won a close first-round bout against Joanna Lumley, who delivered a horrific performance as Dracula’s Bride in The Satanic Rites of Dracula years before she became Absolutely Fabulous.

Beetlejuice star Winona Ryder’s red-dress power prevailed over the less ostentatious charms of comedy legend Gilda Radner: Radner wore white in Haunted Honeymoon, but she’s black-and-blue thanks to that huge beat-down.  

And who should Winona fear? None other than Young Frankenstein star Madeline Kahn, who pulled off the biggest upset of the first round. Kahn (No. 13) stunned the horror community when her Elizabeth eclipsed the freaky goth triumvirate of vampire brides from Van Helsing. What was it, too much fang for all you sensitive boys? Whatever the reason, if Kahn can notch a second upset over No. 6 seeded Ryder, she just might roll into the semi-finals.

So come back for Round Two: We promise more hair-pulling bridal action in fifteen minutes than Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway packed into the feature-length Bride Wars. Though to be fair, Bride Wars was pretty horrifying…

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