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Scott Sigler Ain’t ‘Fraid of No Werewolves


Novelist Scott Sigler’s horror column appears every Thursday.

So there you are. The moon is full. You and the rest of your co-ed friends decided it would be wise to venture into the woods, only one cell phone amongst you (down to the last battery bar), but — thank goodness — you did remember to bring ample amounts of alcohol, instead of reasonable amounts of clothes. You split up into pairs, because that’s what’s expected of you, and the next thing you know you’re facing a heavy-breathing dude with excessive facial hair.

No, you’re not on To Catch a Predator. It’s a werewolf. A lycanthrope, already. You’re staring eye-to-eye with this beastie, and now you’ve got to decide how to kill it. Never fear, Uncle Scottie is here, with my always 100 percent accurate advice on how to deal with many of life’s precocious situations. For starters, use a…

Silver Bullet
Duh. This one goes back a long, long way. Of course, silver bullets aren’t something most of us have laying around. Unless you’re Gary Busey in, you guessed it, Silver Bullet . A classic flick? Maybe not, but it’s a classic Busey performance. He’s outstanding in this Stephen King adaptation, and if you haven’t seen it it’s definitely worth a look. Basically, 90 percent of werewolf flicks rely on the silver angle to take out the baddies. If you happen to have a lot of silver on you, this is a solid solution. If you don’t, however, just…

Get Medieval
Not all werewolf flicks are obsessed with silver. The solid indie Dog Soldiers
relies on conventional weaponry to do the nasty to fluffy and his kin.
The plot of this one is a little insane, relying heavily on stock
horror clichés like. “I’ll just go into the basement, by myself, while
there are werewolves outside, and I’ll look for supplies,” but there’s
enough resourceful filmmaking in here to make up for it. And let’s not
forget the absolutely awesome An American Werewolf in London,
where they just dispense with that silly silver bullet crap altogether
— get a gun and shoot it. Boom. Dead. Done. But if you have no gun,
don’t forget the most basic strategy of all…

Just Don’t Get Eaten
Wolfen
is a fantastic movie that is often confused as a werewolf movie, but
it’s not. It’s about some sneaky devils living on the dregs of
humanity, wisely staying out of sight, and out of highly populated
areas. What makes this unique in the pantheon of lycanthrope slaying is
that there is no slaying; staying alive to the end of the flick is the
goal, and they never actually take down one of the baddies. Seriously,
this is a 10 out of 10 monster flick for the thinking movie-goer.  But
say you can’t get away, you have no silver, perhaps it’s time to think
like a street fighter and …

Kick Him Where It Counts
Perhaps the single best spur-of-the-moment anti-werewolf strategy was delivered in the 1987 gem Monster Squad .
When the Mandatory Fat Kid is faced with a sudden, drooling, killer
wolfman, the Fat Kid’s friends give him sage advice, “Kick him in the
nards!” Fat Kid is skeptical, but sure enough, Wolfman goes down. Truly,
this scene alone is worth the rental. Lesson learned here: The Wolfman
has the same reproductive parts as you and I. It’s a weakness, so use
it. And it seems male werewolves aren’t the only ones that are…

Anatomically Correct
The fantastic indie Ginger Snaps ties in female menstruation and the concept of lycanthropy as an STD — sort of a horror PSA that combines Carrie
and that annoying “The More You Know” rainbow. I’m a big fan of this
clever flick — werewolves done classy, with two female protagonists
carrying the show. The ending is the only rough spot, when the movie’s
low budget is horribly exposed, but if you take that with a grain of
silver you’ll do just fine. And speaking of teen monster angst…

Please, Please, Please Kill the Wolf
Teen Wolf .
Seriously. Did we need this? I like Michael J. Fox as much as the next
guy, and he was a superstar when this came out, but come on. A
hoops-playing werewolf? Any comedy value is flushed away by the sheer
stupidity of this premise. And a sequel? Come on! It ticks me off enough to go out and buy some…

Silver Bullets
Yep, this is still the best thing to have. Get
some silver bullets and keep them handy. That, or a silver grille, so
you can pimp with Snoop, look fresh, and still be ready to bite first
and take out the baddie. Throw in some diamonds on that grille, and you
and Lil’ Wayne can hit the woods with two cases of beer, half the
clothes required by decent moral values, and that one bar on your cell
phone. Yeeeah-yah!

scott75.jpgScott Sigler writes tales of hard-science horror, then gives them away as free audiobooks at www.scottsigler.com. His hardcover debut, Infected, is available in stores now. If
you don’t agree with what Scott says in this blog, please email him
scott@scottsigler.com. Please include all relevant personal
information, such as your address and what times you are not home, in
case Scott wishes to send someone to “discuss” your opinions.

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