I once read an article that said “without spiders, the world would be overrun by insects” in something like 30 days. Which makes that the only dang reason that spiders are worth a crap, because they’re just plain nasty. But, hey, they serve a purpose. They keep us from being overrun.
Much like the spider, monster-hunters are a critical part of our world’s fabric. Without them, we’d be overrun by vampires, zombies, werewolves, mummies, ghosts, witches, serial killers and mansquitoes. These stalwart slaying individuals lurk in society’s shadows, laying the righteous smackdown upon the denizens of the dark and making the streets safe for all you John and Jane Q Laws out there.
As with all such things in our culture, you’ll inevitably find yourself asking: Who’s the baddest of them all? There’s something to be said here for crowning the King or Queen of Monster Slayers. When the zombie apocalypse hits, and the shambling dead invade our homes and grocery stores, then use up all the toilet paper in the bathroom, who will be there to save us?
I call upon you, dear reader, to help us find out. We need your nominations for the first-ever Master Monster Hunter Tournament.
Sixteen hunters will be picked from your comments on this blog post and thrown in to a meat grinder worthy of a Chicago sausage factory. These sixteen finalists will be named right here in Horror Hacker on Thursday, November 6.
And the battles between the monster slayers? Determined by you, dear reader. That’s right, you will vote on who wins each head-to-head match. Fighting begins November 10 and continues until a champion is crowned on Friday, December 12. Four rounds, fifteen brutal matches, but there can be only one victor.
How do they qualify?
Do they kill monsters? Yeah? Then they’re
in. Obviously the classic killers, such as Buffy or the Frog Brothers,
will be higher-ranked, but don’t be shy about obscure-monster
killers, such as James Woods in Vampires , or ones that you might not think of as a “traditional” hunter, like Brendan Fraser in The Mummy franchise. If it bleeds, it leads: everyone deserves a nomination.
How will they fight?
It’s not a true head-to-head battle, not like “could Batman beat up Superman” (because we all know the answer to that is “yes” if Batman is wearing his special Kryptonite-toed boots and plants one square on Superman’s jimmy), but more of an evaluation in how effective each slayer slays them monsters. Oh, who am I kidding, it’s a popularity contest worthy of the high school prom — if you went to Sunnydale HS, that is.
How do I nominate?
Just post your favorite monster hunters in the comments section on this post.
How many can I nominate?
As many as you like. But don’t be a smart-ass and paste in an IMDB keyword listing, for crying out loud. We’ll find out who you are if you do …
What happens now?
Make your nomination. Feel free to argue with other people’s nominations. Mud-slinging is encouraged. (This is a ratings-sweep thing, after all, so get your Springer on …). Come back on Thursday, November 6 to see who made the final cut of the Sweet 16. And then let the carnage begin!
Scott Sigler writes tales of hard-science horror, then gives them away as free audiobooks at www.scottsigler.com. His new novel, Contagious, hits bookstores on December 30 and is currently available for pre-order. If you don’t agree with what Scott says in this blog, please email him email@example.com. Please include all relevant personal information, such as your address and what times you are not home, so Scott can come visit and show you his world famous “Chicken Scissors.”Read More