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Scott Sigler – Unmasking the Monsters Moonlighting in Hellboy II

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Novelist Scott Sigler’s horror column appears every Thursday.

Guillermo del Toro has a couple of things going for him. First, the name. If you’re at a party, and you see a beautiful woman, and you walk up and say, “Hi, my name is Guillermo del Toro, can I buy you a drink?” well, that just rolls off the tongue. You’ll get a lot more play with that name than with, say, Bubba Lipshitz. And when Guillermo and Benicio use their “We’re twins!” pick-up line at the bar, forget it — action central.

Second, the man is a contender for the heavyweight championship of monster makers. Pan’s Labyrinth , Blade II, Hellboy , Mimic , the guy has a Stan Winston-esque rep brewing here. And Friday, July 11, marks the release of Hellboy II, del Toro’s uppercut knockout punch to take that title. Hellboy II will not be about little old ladies. It will not be about a sewing circle where women “find themselves” amidst 90 minutes of witty banter. It’s a del Toro film. That means it’s about monsters.

I’ve been waiting for Hellboy II, right there on the edge of my seat. In that waiting, I’ve been looking at the production stills and the trailers, and I saw an interesting thing … moonlighting monsters. Now when you’re a monster, particularly a franchise character, you’re not supposed to tomcat around in other movies. There’s a code of ethics, or something. Sure, these ethics don’t include any bans on killing, summoning demons or eating the eyes of your enemies, but still, a code of conduct is a code of conduct.

So who are the culprits?

comp_pinhead.jpg

Pinhead
Shame on you, Pinhead, shame on you. How dare you turn your back on the Hellraiser
franchise! Do you think we can’t see the resemblance between you and
Abe Sapien? Sure, you went to the vet and had those porcupine piercings
removed, but we are not fooled! What is Clive Barker going to say when
he finds out?

comp_pan.jpgThat Thing With the Eyes
Okay
both of these monsters are from del Toro films, so I don’t know if this
qualifies as moonlighting, but you’re not fooling anyone,
eyes-in-the-hands-guy from Pan’s Labyrinth. Just because you paint a helmet from 300
and put it on sideways, doesn’t mean we don’t recognize eyeless demons
when we see them. Do you really think that just moving your eyes from
your hands to your wings is going to disguise you? Puh-leeze. Go get
your Bausch & Lomb contact solution, water those peepers down, and
let’s talk Lasik.

comp_legolas.jpgLegolas
Sure. No one will recognize you, Orlando Bloom. The pancake makeup makes for an awesome disguise. No, really. You break the bank for three Lord of the Rings movies,
and you want to double-dip on the bad-ass elf theme for another movie?
Seriously? Do you really need the money? Your silky locks should be
shorn and cast aside.

comp_venkman.jpgLibrarian Ghost (from Ghostbusters )
Alright,
I’ll let this one slide. You haven’t seen any screen time since you and
Venkman got down back in 1984. It’s fantastic that you’re busting out
into new roles. Good luck!

comp_alf.jpgAlf
Alf,
baby, first of all, congrats on the nose job. The side effects aren’t
that bad. Honest! I don’t know why PETA has their panties all up in a
bunch, it looks smashing! Second, sure, maybe you’re ‘roiding up with
your workout partner Barry Bonds, but damn, dude, those delts!
So you get a free pass like the Library Ghost. When’s the last time you
had any decent work? 1990? And you keep getting beat out for jobs by
that dog sock puppet from Pets.com. Well here you are, moving from the
small screen to a big del Toro extravaganza.

So now you have a cheat sheet for the hidden cameos in Hellboy II.
I’m glad some of these cats are getting work, but the others should
hide their heads (or what passes for heads) in shame. I think shortly
after this baby hits the screens, we can look forward to the del Toro
vs. Barker fight on pay-per-view. It’s a grudge match, with Pinhead as
the guest referee — don’t miss it.

scott75.jpgScott Sigler writes tales of hard-science horror, then gives them away as free audiobooks at www.scottsigler.com. His hardcover debut Infected is available in stores now. If
you don’t agree with what Scott says in this blog, please email him
scott@scottsigler.com. Please include all relevant personal
information, such as your address and what times you are not home, in
case Scott wishes to send someone to “discuss” your opinions.

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