Novelist Scott Sigler’s horror column appears every Thursday.
Many people feel that Stephen King is the “King of Horror.” He’s royalty, don’t get me wrong, but would he have that title if his last name was something like “Lipshitz”? Uncle Stevie is the goods, no question about it, but if I were to crown a true King of Horror, I wouldst bequeath that title upon none other than Sir Bruce Campbell.
You gasp in shock. You snarl in disgust. You think me an imbecile (which, to be sure, is nothing new). But if you’re looking at individual actors, there’s really only two people so utterly iconic that their face brings up instant association with a horror franchise: Sir Bruce and Robert “Freddy Kreuger” Englund. Sure, you’ve got your Jasons, Michaels and Chuckies, — but those are the characters we identify with — not the actors. You could, maybe, count that Candyman dude if you could name him… Name him quick! No looking at IMDB! Don’t know it? Ha, I have made my point and made it well.
Sir Bruce is on my mind because of the impending release of My Name is Bruce. A movie where Bruce Campbell plays Bruce Campbell. A small town thinks he is actually the demon-killer Ash from the Evil Dead series, so they bring him in to do what Ash would do best … which is kill demons. I know, I know, kind of a Three Amigos plot, or a riff on that God-awful Julia Roberts crap from a God-awful Ocean’s 12 . But this is Bruce Frickin’ Campbell, man! It’s like Smuckers — it’s got to be good. This is going to be the best B-Movie juiciness!
Why is Bruce the King? Just look at this classic body of work, which speaks for itself, and is arranged in order of coolness and campiness.
Bruce Campbell’s Top Movies
• Evil Dead: Army of Darkness
• Evil Dead II
• Evil Dead
• Bubba Ho-Tep
• Escape from LA
• Maniac Cop
• Hercules (okay, a TV series, and not horror, but it’s camp-central and this is my blog so I’m counting it)
The Real Reason Why Bruce Is King
The Evil Dead Drinking Game™. Yes, I invented it, so I can put
the little trademark symbol on there. Back off, Sam Raimi, I know the franchise is yours, but unless you’re showing up with a
two-beer-can hard hat, some brats and a pony keg, I don’t want to hear
another peep out of you.
So how do you play? Well it’s simple.
Step One: Acquire beverages. Be warned, you will need a lot.
Step Two: Acquire cleaning products. You will need a lot of these as well, in direct correlation with the beverages acquired in
Step One. Do not underestimate the need for cleaning products. And
Step Three: Rent Evil Dead, Evil Dead II and Army of Darkness
and watch them all in one sitting. This five-hour marathon is spiked
with key phrases and/or on screen action segments after which you must
Here is the list of said drinking keys:
• Any decapitations
• Any dismemberments
• “I’ll Swallow Your Soul”
• Any time Bruce says the word “baby.”
• Any time Bruce says the word “king.”
• Blood splattering on a face
• Any and all insane laughter
• Any and all mentions of the Necronomicon
the vast and all-encompassing influence of this blog, it’s safe to say
that Uncle Stevie will remain the King of Horror. But he doesn’t have
his own drinking game, and now, Bruce Campbell does. Hail to the real King, baby.
PS: Do not send me any bills for your dry-cleaning or carpet shampooing, because I won’t pay.
Scott Sigler writes tales of hard-science horror, then gives them away as free audiobooks at www.scottsigler.com. Infected, hit stores on April 1, 2008. If
you don’t agree with what Scott says in this blog, please email him
firstname.lastname@example.org. Please include all relevant personal
information, such as your address and what times you are not home, in
case Scott wishes to send someone to “discuss” your opinions.