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Bandolero! Has Advice for the Lovelorn

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SWM, 30ish, stable, caring and good with guns, seeks law abiding female. Enjoys horseback riding and public hangings. Val Verde personals, 1867.

It’s clear from the beginning of Bandolero! that January Johnson (George Kennedy) has a crush on Maria Stoner (Raquel Welch). It’s also clear that he doesn’t stand a chance. Nice guys never win. Especially when good looking bad guys (Jimmy Stewart and Dean Martin) come to town and steal her away — literally.

Yet, he keeps trying. Why? It’s possible, based on the cast list, that Maria is the only woman in the Old West. In that case, yes, it makes sense to track her down in Mexico and bring her back. But let’s assume, for the sake of argument, there are others. Why pursue someone that is so clearly not right for you? Okay, she’s gorgeous. But the sheriff isn’t trying to seduce her. He wants to take care of her. Trouble is, the widow can take care for herself; a point she makes very clear when she tells the banker, “I was a whore at 13 and my family of 12 never went hungry.”

Some men are just always attracted to the wrong girl. If you dropped him into the River of No Return , he’d probably fall for Marilyn Monroe’s character, Kay Weston. Wake up and smell the coffee on the campfire Sheriff! You’re not going to win a girl like that when Robert Mitchum’s in the picture.

If he continues down this road, and the way the film ends it appears he might, he could benefit from some advice. First, lose the name January and stop saying things like “my friends call me ‘July’ ma’am. I wish you were one.” It’s not sexy and it sends the wrong message. Second, stop stuttering and third, when you find yourself saying “I’m a good guy, so why is it all the jerks get the women and I’m stuck being alone?” read The Top 5 Things Jerks Do to Get Women.

Finding true love has never been easy. Not now. Not ever. For a full schedule of Bandolero! on AMC, click here.

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