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All I Want For Christmas is…a Light Saber

When I was a boy, there wasn’t a Christmas that I didn’t wake up sweaty at dawn and scramble down the stairs to claw rabidly at the presents, dreaming of my very own light saber.

I could see it when I closed my eyes: a silver shaft attached to green laser beam of supernova-like intensity, capable of slicing through meat and bone like butter. In those days, my parents were not the benefactors of Christmas gifts: only that munificent and mysterious prince, Santa Claus, who would certainly have the wisdom to reward my good deeds over the year with a weapon of unimaginable destruction.

Yes, a light saber would improve my life by leaps and bounds. "John, clean your room," my mother would nag. A single pudgy finger pushed against the temple and my saber would force fling itself across the room and into my hand. Fwoom! The green blade glowed brightly a micron’s span from the easily severed flesh of her neck. "Clean it yourself, then get me some candy, woman," I, the young Jedi, would reply.

Such were my youthful fantasies. Of course, when I eventually did get a light saber for Christmas, it wasn’t like it is in this video, much to my dismay. It was a cheap plastic flash light with some green cellophane over the bulb. But my vengeful, bloodthirsty heart still pines.

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