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What We Learned: Lessons From the Movies, 2004

At filmcritic.com, we see a lot of movies. And over the course of a year, we learn a lot of lessons that’ll not only help us survive in the real world, but will be nifty at cocktail parties. We do get out of the house every now and then, you know.

As a service to our readers, some of the staff digested a few nuggets of wisdom for you that we picked up at the movies this year. What you choose to do with it is entirely up to you. We can only hope that you use this knowledge for good…

Happy Holidays,
The filmcritic.com staff

– When circumcising yourself, only do so under medical supervision. (Kinsey) CB

– San Diego means ‘whale’s vagina.’ (Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy) PC

– No capes! (The Incredibles) CN

– The best way to deter a hump-crazy dog is to kick it in the balls. (Garden State) NS

– The best way to revive a party: Play ‘Thriller.’ Choreographed fun ensues. (13 Going on 30) PC

– Milk bottles are ideal for storing human waste. (The Aviator) CN

– Congressmen hardly ever read the bills they sign. (Fahrenheit 9/11) CB

– If given the chance, people will take advantage of just about anyone (Dogville). So will politicians. (Fahrenheit 9/11) NS

– To teach at a community college, sporting a crappy beard is a prerequisite. (We Don’t Live Here Anymore) PC

– Che Guevara had asthma. (The Motorcycle Diaries) CN

– McDonald’s will totally mess you up. (Super Size Me) CN

– Popular girl cliques always number four and have the ability (not possessed by other teenagers) of walking in slow motion. (Mean Girls) CB

– In some high schools, fencing is a part of a physical education program. (The Girl Next Door) Also, producing a musical with a $30,000 budget is not uncommon. (Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen) PC

– Time travel does not work. (Napoleon Dynamite) CN

– Old people can slip in and out of dementia if they hear a nice story. (The Notebook) NS

– Miles Davis quit Julliard before graduating to become John Coltrane’s protégé. (Collateral) PC

– Dolls are the secret to high comedy. (Seed of Chucky, Team America: World Police) JK

– Pinocchio prefers thongs. (Shrek 2) PC

– Peter Sellers hated Blake Edwards. (The Life and Death of Peter Sellers) CN

– Somebody gets kidnapped in Mexico City, like, every six seconds, yet it’s still a really crowded place. (Man on Fire) CB

– It’s possible to drive a car and do The New York Times crossword at the same time. (Sideways) PC

– It only takes a little bit of makeup and a wig for an attractive, straight male to look like Julia Roberts. (Gael Garcia Bernal in Bad Education) RG

– Julia Roberts’ middle name is Fiona. (Ocean’s Twelve) PC

– Alexander the Great was totally gay. Achilles was not. (Alexander, Troy) CB

– Only tourists ride those boats in the Seine. (Before Sunset) CN

– Bill Murray moonlights as a waiter. (Coffee and Cigarettes) CN

– Dying your hair is a sign of insecurity. (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) CN

– The way to martyrdom is through suffering. Whether you think their cause was justified depends on your politics. (The Passion of the Christ, Hero, The House of Flying Daggers) JK

– Each pellet that narcotic mules swallow weighs 10 grams. Each is 4.2 cm long and 1.4 cm wide. Mules swallow 25 to 40 at a time. (Maria Full of Grace) JB

– Some losers will cut off their own foot just to get to a cell phone. (Saw) CN

– Real life is so much more interesting than the movies. The characters in Kill Bill: Vol. 2 and The Dreamers would do well to get out of the house more. JK

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