Old Family, New Member, Episode 5

Old Family, New Member

Captain Starr taunts the easily aroused Chief with a new, ultra-realistic prosthetic, while Irwin reconnects with his estranged brother.

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Full Recap

At the JJK Security office, Christa describes having recently had a stye removed from her eye with a needle. "I don't want to hear that," says Joan, eating a sandwich. Captain Starr shares a story in which he "got his eye grinded on" to remove a piece of metal stuck in it. Irwin says he gets needles stuck in each eyeball every 30 days to combat macular degeneration. "It only lasts a couple seconds," he says. "That's like having sex with you," says Joan.

Later, Christa and Joan discuss which celebrities they’d like to sleep with. Joan says she wants the "new James Bond" and Jon Voight. Christa asks if Joan would have sex with all of them at once? Joan says yes: She's been in orgies before, although she's never touched a woman because she's "completely penis crazy."

Irwin drives around Dalton, Georgia, a nearby town where he grew up. He tours the local temple, the Jewish neighborhoods and the downtown storefront where his father's clothing shop used to be. "I could never sell bras back then," laughs Irwin. Next, he goes to the high school football stadium, where he says he used to watch his brother Alan play. Irwin describes being proud of his brother, even though they're not that close anymore.

At Alan's home, Alan explains that the two stopped talking years ago because of "family issues." They also have different lifestyles. Alan's house is lavish and he and his wife Nitza, who recently married in Maui, are vegan.

Back at JJK, Joan eats a piece of cheese toast and then farts. Capt. Starr shows Chief his driver's license with his new name and gender designation. He mentions that he's ordered his new prosthetic penis. "Every girl you have sex with should sign it," says Christa.

Later, Irwin and Joan talk outside JJK. Irwin tells Joan that he's called Alan, and the two have decided to reconnect. Irwin asks Joan if he can visit Alan alone first. "I'd have to think about it," she says. "Is he still a dentist? I need my teeth fixed." Joan later explains that the cause of the tension between Alan and Irwin was that Joan borrowed money from their mother, which Irwin says "poisoned the family relationship."

Irwin sips a drink at a bar as he waits for Alan. When the two meet, Irwin starts to cry and says their parents "would roll over in their graves" if they knew about the brothers fighting. Alan agrees they need to make amends and also chokes up. Irwin asks if Joan can join them the next day. "Get on the phone and tell her to get her fat ass down here," says Alan. "Her ass is fat,” agrees Irwin, but mentions that Joan is on a strict diet.

Out on patrol, Capt. Starr gives Joan more details about his fake penis, including the fact that it has a metal rod in it simulate an erection. "The more and more male I look, the harder and harder it is for her to stay away from me," Croft says. "I sure would like her to feel the pangs of desire."

Irwin, Alan and Nitza spend the day at a resort and spa, playing golf and bocce ball and getting massages. Irwin calls Joan on his cell and says he really wants her to come join them.

Back at JJK, Joan recalls that when she and Capt. Starr first met, he made a recording of himself masturbating, the sounds of which she says were like "a large animal" that "wouldn't turn anybody on." She then makes grunting sounds, impersonating Starr.

Days later, Capt. Starr's prosthetic arrives in the mail. Joan wants to know how big it is, but says she has no interest in looking at it. "I think I know enough about penises to know that that's not real," she says.

After dark, Joan finally meets up with Irwin, Alan and Nitza at a nice restaurant. "Listen, just please be nice today," begs Irwin. "I still have a dirty mouth," Joan tells Alan and his wife, but she apologizes for borrowing the money. Alan accepts her apology, and then Joan orders a margarita that she says "tastes like someone's butt."

As the two couples part ways, Joan cries and says she feels good that she got part of her family back. "Deep down, she really wants to come through for the people that she loves," says Irwin.

Back at JJK, Joan finally agrees to look at Capt. Starr's penis in the privacy of her office. Standing in her doorway, Starr unzips his pants. Joan touches the prosthetic. "This doesn't mean anything sexual between you and me," says Joan. “It does feel kind of real though."