Marie’s been bugging me to keep up with the blog. She thinks it’s “healthy” to “express” myself. It’s funny, because usually she’s asking me to stop expressing myself. Or to at least stop expressing myself so “colorfully.” (She complains, but deep down she loves my foul mouth.)
Anyway, I guess she thinks I’ve got some deep psychological torment going on these days. Which, yeah, maybe I do. Four unexpected, extra holes in your body can do that to you. Mostly though… I’m going stir crazy, guys. I’m serious — hanging out in bed all day being waited on by a beautiful woman is not nearly as bitchin’ as my teenaged self dreamed it would be. Funny how life just hauls off and kicks you in the balls like that.
Obviously, I’m not spending all my time in bed. There’s the daily ass-kicking from my sadistic physical therapist. Talk about torment. It’s like I wandered into one of those Saw films. I keep waiting for some asshat in a clown mask to pop up and tell me I have five seconds to choose which leg to amputate.
(Also — was learning to walk as a kid this freakin’ hard? I’m sure I didn’t look like such a schmuck when I fell flat on my ass back then.)
I’d kill for a beer too, man. But of course, I can’t be drinking in my condition, which seems unfair. I’d say I have cause to drink MORE because of my condition. How much more messed up can I get? Actually, think about it — this is probably the safest time ever for me to get a little hammered. It’s not like I’m gonna be getting behind the wheel of a car anytime soon. Hell, I can’t even walk down the hall. But no, the only kind of fun I get to have these days is solving the puzzle on Wheel of Fortune before my wife does.
Of course, I complain I’m bored and Marie starts throwing the words “game night” around — which I’m really hoping is some bizarre form of Tourette’s. I have this horrible vision of Gomie playing charades. That’s some scary shit, my friends. Although, I’d be down for a poker night, maybe… but only because Gomie’s still feeling guilty and would gladly hand me all his money.Read More