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Hank’s Blog – Tough Guys Don’t Wax Their Chests

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I’ve been thinking about tough guys lately. In my line of work, it’s natural. I gotta deal with all these whiny little pansy dickweed junkies all the time, and I wonder — what happened to the tough guys? They’re like a dying breed.

Course, look at movies today and you can see why. Action guys used to be total badasses. One look and you knew you were dead. And you respected them, even when you knew they were about to punch your face out the back of your head. But today? Pretty boys. All these chiseled gym rats with their girly faces and their hair gel. Are you kidding me with this? Tough guys used to be men. Hard-ass mofos who never saw a gym in their lives. They didn’t need to go to the freakin’ gym. They were too busy actually kicking ass to do twenty on the elliptical. These guys today? All I can say is — be suspicious of any “tough guy” that the ladies like too much.

Of course, the all-time champion of these tough guys — the real tough guys — has got to be Lee Marvin. Now, you got those few douchebag morons (aka Gomie) who will try to tell you that Steve McQueen is the ultimate tough guy. Come on. The guy’s got “Queen” right there at the end of his name! Strike one! You think Lee Marvin would stand for that? Not a chance! Nope… Lee Marvin is the clear winner, every time. I feel bad — it’s not even a fair fight really. Now, I have respect for Steve — I mean, someone’s gotta take the silver medal in badassery. There’s no shame in it… Okay, maybe a little shame.

I’ve done a lot of research on this — seen my share (and probably your share, too) of the classic tough guy films. I mean, I gotta pay the wife back somehow for forcing me to sit through the entirety of that dickweed Sparks’ crapfest of films. (That godforsaken schmaltz-arama took five years off my life, I swear.) Anyway, my man Lee holds up against all the rest. Charles Bronson, who was tough as shit, would probably piss himself if he had to go up against Lee Marvin. And I don’t say that lightly, believe me. He was a hard, hard dude. I half expect to see Charlie at my door any minute now — and I know he’s been dead for years. But I stand by my word.

And so I raise a bottle of Schraderbrau to you — Lee Marvin, the man who defined “tough guy” for us all.

(And don’t any of you try to argue for James Coburn, okay? That’s like trying to argue New Coke is better than Coke Classic. It ain’t happening. Case closed.)

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